(Miami, Florida) Nothing unites America like a good Mob story — the”real” Mob that is. On the upscale shuffleboard and bacce ball courts at a retirement community in Miami, I caught up with a few “reformed” old-timers who are fed up with what they consider to be theft of their intellectual property — the word, “Mob.” As a condition of the interviews, I promised to only use first names, conceal the location of their outdoor activity center, and bring them black and white cookies from the The Rascal House. I didn’t have the heart to tell the fellas that The Rascal House had closed. Sage Deli would have to do.
I met Gus and his crew sometime in the late ’70s at The Rascal House as a kid with my Jewish grandpa. One thing Jews and Italians could always agree on was good food with heaping piles of guilt sauce. At the time, I didn’t know they were, um, businessmen. They’re “retired” now, but want to preserve their heritage. I was up for a game of bacce, but they just wanted to eat in the shade and talk “politics.”
Rawls: It’s good to see ya Gus. Boys…
Gus: Thanks for bringin’ the cookies kid.
Rawls: So, this whole Mob lawsuit. What’s that about?
Gus: Heyyyy. Are you fucking kidding me? These cafones think they can just take our name?
Frankie: Yeah. It’s ours.
Gus: That’s right. We’re taking them to court.
Rawls: So let me get this straight, you’re suing protesters at the Town Hall Meetings for stealing the word “Mob?”
1) Gladstone, a brilliant satirist and humorist from Cracked.com, tells it like it is (from Ali’s perspective) on the whole Letterman/Palin faux debacle. A “debacle” undeserving of a French adjective or, in Palin’s case, a word with more than one syllable — like, “debacle.”
2) Remember kids, this blog is about me. Gladstone is a friend of “Unsuable Signal” and one of the funniest guests we’ve ever had. So, check out the episode where we had callers from Ireland and attempted calls from Australia. Since Australians are well known Commies — not a total loss. I mean, they do control Blog Talk Radio. We also have the beginnings of my radio career where my well timed Tourette’s Syndrome with coprophiliac features came in quite handy.
3) Dennis DiClaudio wrote a piece about myself and Gladstone on Comedy Central’s Indecision. This of course, induced a massive nerdgasm catapulting me into a month-long state of euphobia.
4) Sweet Irony: As you may or may not know, Tommy Christopher landed a gig at Asylum today. Totally Awesome! Even Awesomer? On the front page today I noticed Gladstone’s Hate By Numbers series along with Tommy’s first article. What I’m certain neither of them know, until perhaps now, is they have polar opposite views on Letterman’s “apology.” To sum up Tommy’s position (with a bit of conflation): Dave’s a statutory rapist:
Letterman’s attacks were made in an exponentially larger, broader forum, and included the statutory rape of a minor child. They cannot be taken down or redacted.
Tommy knows my position. It’s complex. Dave’s not a rapist. He’s a Meth addict.
6: Gladstone and Tommy need to hook up. They can give each other cyber-Chlamydia. Or genital warts. Two hysterical STD’s.
UPDATE: Moe Lane of Red Planet (shocker) has a knee jerk reaction. Not an update: Moe Lane is a fucking jerkoff.
Tonight we explore conflation and hyperventilation on Twitter. I dare not explain satire, because everyone has a perfect working knowledge of it. Do you have a green Iranian protest supporter visor? What have you done with it? Twitter has an odd effect on the id, ego, and superfriggging big ego. When it comes to Twitter, the tweeps who want heat need “followers.” Why? It’s sweet. How can you really help Iran? What can you do? Maybe bash The President during this show of solidarity? Hmmmmmmmmm?
I’m taking some heat for the tweet beat by your feet. Sweet. I’ll try to sum that up for you. In response to sekanblogger , I wrote:
With everyone all up on the twitter tip when it comes to their green tinted avatars, we here at Cube have some items you should totally consider in our revolution to overthrow Iran. This show of solidarity is far more important than utilizing twitter as some technological means to advance a just cause. In fact, I loathe the argument that going green for freedom somehow makes the twitterer in question an easier mark for Iranian agents waiting in the bushes to slit your throat and pull your tounge down through your neck and use it as a falafel. They call that, an “Iranian Necktie.” Keeping the possibility of your assassination at bay for a moment, because that threat is imminent and real, here are some items for your consideration:
If you interact with the terrorists in Iran on twitter like I do, you may “encounter” these pesky demonstrators who support the protest by dying their avatars green in some kind of twisted message of solidarity. I claim not to be an expert in foreign policy. That, I am not. However, when it comes to green pictures from the beak of twitter and creating some fucking list, I rock.
UPDATE: Protracted deliberations over the political implications of President Obama’s direct interference in the Iranian elections are finally at an end. With the use of an “UPDATE” in the forthcoming text of this article, set out to prove (without the use of post hoc logic) the veracity of the above styled headline, fair-minded, sober conclusions can be reached.
Most experts with degrees and vast experience in the highly specialized area of foreign policy with Iran in the year 2009 tried to trumpet a call to arms after pronouncing, “Obama Hails Rigged Election.” Despite the in depth analysis of the previously linked article, it had no “UPDATES.”
UPDATE: Hot Air’sAllahpundit, (note to self: probaby a fair arbiter of issues given his/her birth name) wrote a detailed commentary on the Iranian election yesterday and how “Barry” might proceed in Iran. Not sure if Allahpundit cares for “Barry.” UPDATE: SINCE WRITING THE ARTICLE YESTERDAY, ALLAHPUNDIT UPDATED FOUR “UPDATES.” QUITE POSSIBLY THE HEADLINE WAS UPDATED. UPDATE: DEVELOPING…
UPDATE: Take cover! The Huffington Post is cornering the market on “UPDATES.” This comes as no surprise from a socialist blog run by some Marxist gal from Alabama, but, have they no shame? “Iran Updates (VIDEO): Live-Blogging The Uprising.” UPDATE: UPDATE YOURSELF BY READING A BLOG ABOUT “UPDATES.”
UPDATE: Fareed Zakaria at CNN will be updating the site with video today from his blasphemous show which has careful judgment and well-rounded thinkers. UPDATE: No videos updated to the GPS website.
UPDATE: As I write this article I must reach a conclusion.
Chaos raged in Iran this weekend as Mir Hossein Moussavi’s supporters continued to protest the results of last week’s election: despite brutal crackdowns by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s police forces, thousands of Iranians have remained on the streets of Tehran, risking their lives to demand fairness and justice.Here’s just one eyewitness account of the turmoil…
Aerial television footage showed people jumping on a police car, rocking vehicles attempting to pass through the crowd, setting small trees on fire and throwing fireworks and flares set up by police.
UPDATE: More violence erupted in the far west region of La where magic spells could not make the rioting disappear.
UPDATE, BUT BROKEN EARLIER: Fareed Zakaria updated his website with updated videos from yesterday (which were the same ones aired yesterday but not updated on the GPS website). Details next Sunday.
UPDATE: Republicans join Klingonsin assault on President Obama’s handling of the Iranian Elections.
Republicans, who never met a problem they didn’t want to solve by opening a can of Blood Wine with a bat lethe and grunting out some threatening-sounding gibberish. That might [will] get you points at Klingon Fight Club …
DOWNDATE: See previous “updates” where I had already updated this type of occurrence yesterday (“Obama Hails Rigged Election“). Duh. We already know actually Obama rigged the election. Himself. Personally.
EXCLUSIVE: Obviously, Klingons are involved and must help Republicans. Unfortunately for the rest of the blogosphere, they do not have the Futurific Iranian Conflation Gizmo I do.
PLEASE MAKE SURE TO CLICK ON ED MORRISSEY’S LINK OR YOU WILL NOT SEE ALL OF THE EVIDENCE. HE DOES IT MUCH BETTER THAN I COULD. I CHOOSE THIS STYLE. A STANDARD JURY INSTRUCTION READS LIKE THIS: DO NOT FORM ANY FIXED OR DEFINITE OPINIONS BEFORE YOU HEAR ALL OF THE EVIDENCE. I HAVE TO TELL YOU FOLKS, THERE IS MORE THAN A REASONABLE DOUBT THAT THE FACTS ARE NOT AS AOL PORTRAYS THEM. THE INCONSISTENCIES ARE MATERIAL. THE NEWS OUTLETS INCLUDE: HUFFINGTON POST, HOT AIR, RED STATE, COLLEGEPOLITICO, NEWSBUSTERS, AND, TOMMY’S WORD OF HONOR. ED MORRISSEY, FROM WHAT I GATHER, IS A CONSERVATIVE AND MILD MANNERED GENTLEMAN. RED STATE? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME ENCOURAGE READING A WRITER FROM RED STATE? I BELIEVE TOMMY AND TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD. THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO THAT STUPID JERK THEY TOLERATE AT AOL. WHO LIKES TO BASH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. AOL IS MORALLY LIABLE FOR THE TOLERATION OF HATE SPEECH. TONS OF IT. THEY DON’T MODERATE. HUFFPO DOES. I DON’T NEED TO SEE CYBERDOODLES LIKE THIS “)!(” WHICH THEY TOLERATE. THAT IS THE TOLERATION OF AOL OF EVERY CURSE WORD KNOWN TO MAN. IT PAINTS THE SITE WITH A BRUSH AND THAT THEY TOLERATE, INDICATES A MORAL DECISION TO TOLERATE, ON THEIR SITE, HATRED OF: WOMEN, JEWS, BLACKS, GAYS, HOMOSEXUALS, OBAMA SUPPORTERS, PALIN, BUGS, EVERYTHING. THEY ARE ON THE HOOK FOR THAT, AND I’D LIKE THEM TO DEFEAT THAT ARGUMENT. WHICH THEY CAN’T TRY. YOU TOLERATE HATRED FAR WORSE THAN PLAYBOY AOL. CENSOR YOUR IDIOT BOXES. — GUEST APPEARANCE BY FAKE ALLCAPS WADE.
O men of [Internet], in the character of a juvenile orator – let no one expect this of me. And I must beg of you to grant me one favor, which is this – If you hear me using the same words in my defence which I have been in the habit of using, and which most of you may have heard in the agora, and at the tables of the money-changers, or anywhere else, I would ask you not to be surprised at this, and not to interrupt me. For I am more than seventy years of age, and this is the first time that I have ever appeared in a court of law, and I am quite a stranger to the ways of the place; and therefore I would have you regard me as if I were really a stranger, whom you would excuse if he spoke in his native tongue, and after the fashion of his country; – that I think is not an unfair request. Never mind the manner, which may or may not be good; but think only of the justice of my cause, and give heed to that: let the judge decide justly and the speaker speak truly.
Please read Ed Morrissey’s column at Hot Air for a very fair critique of the situation between Tommy Christopher and AOL. As I’ve stated, I have a conflict of interest because I am loyal to Tommy. I mean, the philosopher I came up with was Mr. Rogers anyhow. He’s channelling Greek thinking which is just Greek to me.
Ed (Can I call him Ed? Yes? He tweeted me once with the strange name of @EdMorrissey. I think that allows me to call him Ed, but I’m not sure) Morrissey has this very annoying habit of givkng careful, sober, analysis on most eveery issue. Especially this one.
Morrissey interviewed all parties involved in the story. Every source is checked. All points of view are represented. The more I think of the article, the more I think he should just drink that goblet of hemlock already.
The doctor of Hot Air also plays a funky air piano. A little know kernel of trivia he shares with that Socrates Dude is they both played air piano. The facts are laid out for all to see. And, the facts have consented to being laid.
It’s no secret that I like to get to know people — and not just the outside stuff of their lives. I like to try to understand the meaning of who people are and what they’re saying to me. — Fred Rogers, The World According To Mr. Rogers, page 135 (2004)
So, I was talking with Mrs. Rawls, my mommy, and she asked me how things were going with the internet.
“It’s great Mom. Like, I’m learning a lot and meeting all of these interesting people. It’s better than real work. Finally, I think that philosophy and political science degree is really coming in handy. I mean the fine edcuation, coupled with the whole law school thing you and Daddy paid for, is really allowing me to make some inroads out there. In cyberspace.”
“My friend Tommy Christopher got fired by AOL for calling out some conservative hate fucking rapist who also thinks about chemically castrating his own testicles and burns swastikas on puppy dog tushies while wearing a Klan Hood and masturbating with a cheesgrater. But, no midgets were hurt.”
Peggy Says:
June 9, 2009 at 2:37 am | Reply edit
A social conservative and economic liberal is a guy who spends tons of money for decorations, booze and food for a bachelor party but won’t hire a stripper.
Don’t get cocky Christopher. I have pics of the rest of your body. Just look at the face folks. Dead ringer.*
Cube 
