Here at Cube, our ethics policy requires honest reporting, unique perspectives, and unfiltered, unbiased prose destined to cut through the gobbledygook of Main Stream Media. Janice Dickinson, model and celebrity in NBC’s, “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here,” had to get out of there. I mean, real bad. The poor lady couldn’t take a dump for seven days straight.
Without pause, the Emmy nominators better loosen that stuffy persona and nominate Ms. Dickinson for best acting while having to take a really huge shit. Half of the show last night focused on Janice’s “distended” belly and a blockage of poo in her colon. A timely close-up of fellow celeb Sanjaya Malakar portrayed his compassion as he tried to massage the cement-like mix of rice and beans through her digestive system. Mrs. Blago, often portrayed as some sort of villain in the media, had nothing but empathy for this brown mound lost somewhere hopefully near the anal cavity of my new-found favorite celebrity (who likes to talk about G.I. issues without remorse).
In a shocking turn of events, despite trying to gut it out, ambulances had to take Ms. Dickinson away after she vomited all over the rainforest in Costa Rica. While she claimed she wasn’t “practicing” her modeling skills, I had the feeling Janice was doing the profession proud.
It was announced she had a viral infection as she was whisked away by an ambulance coupled with a riveting grainy scene of a slow-motion I.V. drip. But, they never told us whether she evacuated.
The show? She came back. And tomorrow night, we are left to decide my hero’s fate. Her stool? Compacted chance outstanding.
I had been lackadaisical in my coverage of Janice’s bodily functions up to this point. I have poop-scooped my non-arch nemesis, Jezebel. In an article entitled, “Janice Dicinson Pisses Where She Sleeps” they (like me) hit us with the cold hard facts:
Janice woke up in the middle of the night, squat beside her bed, and peed in the middle of the group’s camp. Later, she threatened to take a shit on Daniel Baldwin’s pillow.
Video after the jump…
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Never fear. The model who couldn’t drop a bomb for seven days in the jungle returned to her “family.” Lou Diamond Phillips (who can be seen in major box office hits this summer), the captain of the crew, sat in prayer with uber-thinker and pseudo-priest, Stephen Baldwin. Lou, as you may have gathered, does not like piss in camp. What irks me is the following inconsistent statement in light of last night’s Shakepeare In The Rainforrest:
Stephen does not like Janice. He accused her of urinating on the camp site. Little did he know she was also planning on dropping a steamer in his brother’s pillow. The plot thickens. Literally.
Stephen also pointed a finger (along with his excommunicated brother) and levied a charge of stealing a protein bar — which might explain the dysentery or whatever. Pope Baldwin did however pray for her spirits to pass.
The left-leaning Washington Post decries the work of a modern day Orson Wells:
If you haven’t already been watching NBC’s month-long daily dose of reality, “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here,” don’t start now.Clue: A show is obviously flailing when the biggest star power it can draw is Speidi — aka Heidi Montag Pratt and her doofily villainous new husband Spencer Pratt, stars courtesy of another reality show (MTV’s “The Hills”). Apparently realizing that neither the waxen-faced Janice Dickinson nor a pitiful Lou Diamond Phillips had much to add in the way of compelling watching, producers spent the first three hours of the “competition” focused mainly on the drama of whether Speidi would stay or go.
Once again, The Post jumps to conclusions. Nothing is in the toilet. Not yet.
Tags: Baldwin Brothers, Boogie In The Butt, Bulemia, Chicago Politics, Colon Blockage, Constipation In Costa Rica, Eddie Murphy, I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, Janice Dickinson, Janice Dickinson Did Not Take A Shit For Seven Days You Know, Janice Dickinson Pisses Where She Sleeps By Jezebel, Jezebel, Lou Diamond Phillips, Model's Who Puke And Claim They Can't Go Poopy, NBC, Patti Blagojevich, Reality T.V., Reality TV Not Down Tubes, Rod Blagojevich, Rod Blagojevich's Wife Comforts Model Who Can't Take A Dump, Sanjaya Malakar, Stephen Baldwin, That Poop Must Weigh A Good Seven Pounds, Vote For Blocked Colon, Women's Health Issues