Archive for June, 2009

Liveblogging Jackson’s Attorneys On Larry King

June 30, 2009

Lawyer

9:22  Three attorneys who all represent Joe and Katherine Jackson.  Basically, they’re about to feel how Michael felt when Joe punched and probably molested him.  That’s what his will is for.  Which just popped up.  Like Michael’s manhood at a Barney show.

9:25  Attorneys filed paperwork before knowing a will existed.  That’s because when the will is fully disclosed, Michael will be giving it to Joe and having the last laugh.  The will will control.  Not Joe.  Joe gets shit.

9:27  Joe Jackson was a “loving father.”  By “loving” he means sodomizing a child with a broomstick.

9:28  I’m shocked.  The Jackson attorneys do not see a conflict of interest.  One fine barrister represented Michael, Joe, Katherine, The Family… I can’t see any possible disputes there.  Except maybe the lawsuits or allegations of Joe punching 10 year old Michael in the face.

9:29  King calls these attorneys “legal eagles.”  These are those sorts of eagles who fly into a pile of horse dung and search for worms and rhinestones.

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Lessons From Michael Jackson: Loving O.J. Simpson

June 28, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Do you remember the time?  Conjuring up images of O.J. Simpson today come easy and always, at least for me, has beautiful, almost God like, mythological and legendary Greek music accompanying his grace.  A magnificence we were all truly blessed to witness.  Fondly, I think back to speed and moves never before seen in entertainment and yearn for the carefree days of O.J’s youth.  Please.  I beg of you.  This is what we should focus on:

[O.J. is an] American collegiate and professional gridiron football player who was a premier running back known for his speed and elusiveness. …

Simpson, who was often called “Juice” because of his energetic runs and because his initials could stand for “orange juice.”

He’s the “Juice.” O.J. Simpson will always be known as the “Juice.”

O.J. has now retired to a small efficiency unbecoming of a king and legend.  What’s important for all of us to remember is the glow he filled all of our hearts with.   Of equal value — we should praise O.J. at this moment in time, you know, while he’s living.  Why can’t there be more tributes to the truly great soles of the world while they walk the earth?

“I really don’t want to discuss the negatives” about O.J. Simpson, said a childhood friend of someone else having nothing to do with O.J.  I’ll take the high road too and here’s why:

O.J. was not guilty.  That’s the truth and the law.  Yet sometimes, the law makes mistakes.  Which explains his second trial.  Furthermore, by taking the “high road,” I mean high roads with some unnecessary pit stops.

Personally, I’m tired of being drenched with the verbal sewage spewing from all these naysayers and immoral people on MSM.   O.J.’s entire family stood by his side and that’s good enough for me.  Think about Sydney.  Think about Justin.

Those who pilfer in spreading these disgusting, untrue, and vicious lies about O.J. should be dunked headfirst by the ankles into the river Styx.

O.J. was a “good boy.”  Every mother who has and cares for her son understands this.  Love.  That first feeling of love you have when you embrace a newborn — that’s O.J.!  That’s how we should remember him — with the love and adoration God shines down upon each one of His miracles.  Even ones not quite dead yet.  Love is all you need.

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UPDATE: Unsuable Signal

June 27, 2009

unusable signal

Show cancelled due to battle with my stomach.

Justice Thomas Writes Concurring Opinion On Strip Search Case

June 26, 2009

Sorry.

Technically, the other King Of Pop concurred with the dissent on strip search cases.  I apologize.  Like, I’m really sorry.  Legal jargon can be confusing.

Blue State Balls

June 25, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Can’t we have an honest discussion about Mark Sanford?  Jon Stewart is way off base.  There are also Red State balls.    Totally unfair, biased, mainstream media, weiner analysis.  Red State Balls are even more liberal than Blue State Balls and are hot for all things across the sexual spectrum of testicular color.  Ask Larry Craig.  Or Mark Foley.  Or Red State.

On the bright side of things, at least Republicans finally scored with Hispanic females.

It’s A Twister! It’s A Twister: Open Thread

June 24, 2009

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more about "It’s A Twister! It’s A Twister: Ope…", posted with vodpod

Why I Love Hating Letterman’s Apology

June 22, 2009

fox-hypocrisy

WordPress is unable to press the video you must see before reading this.  Kindly click:

HBN: 7 Hypocritical Moments in Fox’s Letterman/Palin Report (VIDEO: OR GET THE CLAP)

How do I love/hate theeLet me count the ways

1)  Gladstone, a brilliant satirist and humorist from Cracked.com, tells it like it is (from Ali’s perspective) on the whole Letterman/Palin faux debacle.  A “debacle” undeserving of a French adjective or, in Palin’s case, a word with more than one syllable — like, “debacle.”

2)  Remember kids, this blog is about me.  Gladstone is a friend of “Unsuable Signal” and one of the funniest guests we’ve ever had.  So, check out the episode where we had callers from Ireland and attempted calls from Australia.  Since Australians are well known Commies — not a total loss.  I mean, they do control Blog Talk Radio.  We also have the beginnings of my radio career where my well timed Tourette’s Syndrome with coprophiliac features came in quite handy.

3)  Dennis DiClaudio wrote a piece about myself and Gladstone on Comedy Central’s Indecision.  This of course, induced a massive nerdgasm catapulting me into a month-long state of euphobia.

4)  Sweet Irony:  As you may or may not know, Tommy Christopher landed a gig at Asylum today.  Totally Awesome!  Even Awesomer?  On the front page today I noticed Gladstone’s Hate By Numbers series along with Tommy’s first article.  What I’m certain neither of them know, until perhaps now, is they have polar opposite views on Letterman’s “apology.”  To sum up Tommy’s position (with a bit of conflation): Dave’s a statutory rapist:

Letterman’s attacks were made in an exponentially larger, broader forum, and included the statutory rape of a minor child.  They cannot be taken down or redacted.

Tommy knows my position.  It’s complex.  Dave’s not a rapist.   He’s a Meth addict.

6:  Gladstone and Tommy need to hook up.  They can give each other cyber-Chlamydia.  Or genital warts.  Two hysterical STD’s.

That’s loving hate by numbers.  And that’s all.

Cons Lift Eddie Murphy’s Ice Cream Argument

June 21, 2009

President Obama ate some ice cream with his daughter.  It should come as no surprise The Right contends the Earth might stop spinning on its axis and foreign policy decisions made while eating said cream will cast us all to Hades.

Look at this tasty TWEET!

@Moe Lane (retard) says, “New blog post: :Looking at the ice cream story”  Awwwww Shit!  Moe’s gonna go all “Ice Cream” on President Obama.  He’s like a modern day Saint Thomas Aquinas.  Solidarity Ho!

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“Unusable Signal” Tonight 11:00 PM EST

June 20, 2009

unusable signal

UPDATE: Moe Lane of Red Planet (shocker) has a knee jerk reaction.  Not an update:  Moe Lane is a fucking jerkoff.

Tonight we explore conflation and hyperventilation on Twitter. I dare not explain satire, because everyone has a perfect working knowledge of it. Do you have a green Iranian protest supporter visor? What have you done with it? Twitter has an odd effect on the id, ego, and superfriggging big ego. When it comes to Twitter, the tweeps who want heat need “followers.” Why? It’s sweet. How can you really help Iran? What can you do? Maybe bash The President during this show of solidarity? Hmmmmmmmmm?

I’m taking some heat for the tweet beat by your feet.  Sweet.  I’ll try to sum that up for you.  In response to sekanblogger , I wrote:

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6 Green Avatars You Need To Destroy Iran

June 20, 2009

twitter_bird_dead

With everyone all up on the twitter tip when it comes to their green tinted avatars, we here at Cube have some items you should totally consider in our revolution to overthrow Iran.  This show of solidarity is far more important than utilizing twitter as some technological means to advance a just cause.  In fact, I loathe the argument that going green for freedom somehow makes the twitterer in question an easier mark for Iranian agents waiting in the bushes to slit your throat and pull your tounge down through your neck and use it as a falafel.  They call that, an “Iranian Necktie.”  Keeping the possibility of your assassination at bay for a moment, because that threat is imminent and real, here are some items for your consideration:

6. Vibratex Koi Vibrator

greendildo

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