Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

The Secret Plans Of Van Jones Exposed

September 7, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(H/T Captain Freedom)

Since Van Jones is obviously a Truther, he was either going to infiltrate the Government and expose the 9/11 cover-up, or, Muslim out and fly an airplane into a vagina about 8 miles wide.

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A Song For The Mob

August 23, 2009

Since conservatives play to the lowest common denominator, critical thinkers must rise above such nonsensical gobbledygook, stand upright on firm moral ground, and beckon them with songs of love…

Vodpod videos no longer available.
If you’re wondering whether I just used this opportune moment in history to play the above song, you’d be wrong.  Trust me.  Simply look at the first sentence in this paragraph as proof of my good faith and time honored conservative logic.

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Checking Into “Stupid” Rehab

August 16, 2009

Egats!  Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer America is “stupid.”

Like, Duh…

Yes.  America stumbles about in a drunken stupor.  We urinate words on the internets, collectively belch at town hall meetings (which hardly are held in towns or halls), and joust at windmills daily when Quixote himself would turn around and gallop to the nearest Diprivan factory.  Sweet Milk Of Amnesia — maybe MJ had it right.

I’ll try not to take such a pessimistic or existentialist view here.  Whether low-grade morons can be restored (they can’t) to a functioning level complete with cognitive processes, synapses, dendrites, and the proper firing of neurons is not for me to decide.  In any event, the humongo upward spike on the stupidity scale really doesn’t matter.  Does it?  In fact, it’s probably not even there.  Maybe everyone’s all Einstein, all the time, on all matters.  However, just in case we’re not all operating on an E=MC2 stratosphere, I think it wise to formulate some kind of plan.  A plan to fix the stupid dumb-dumbs.  Like me.

We should focus on being productive, honest, and straightforward members of America.  Everyone’s doing it!  I so desperately want to get on the road to Wellville.  As I write, I realize there’s no need to harp on the similarities between proctology and neurology while looking at a culture of the American brain in a petri dish.  That would be rude.  I will try a softer approach.  One not elitist in any way.

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting to having one — we’re all shit heads.  No Amy Weinhouse defenses for this pillar of the blog community.  I’m taking this country to “stupid” rehab.

Those who rightly claim to know everything (because they clearly do) can leave the group and go about their smarty-pants lives.  Sorts of this variety are too intellectually honest and need read no further.

I only have time for Step One for those willing to press on.  Go to your favorite social networking site or gulag and introduce yourself.  Here’s an example:  “Hello.  My name’s Cube.  I’m an American.  I’m stupid.”

Wow!  That was like Zest for my skull innards.  You know that shower one takes after a night of debauchery?  A particular shower used to cleanse  yourself from multiple elixirs and bodily fluids which travelled ungodly distances, got on your suit, and somehow hit the ceiling fan?  That shower.  It feels so good.  Hose yourself down.  Admit you are stupid.  Come clean.

Only after admitting your problem will you see “facts” are now called “tweets” and keyboards alone are intrinsically capable of springing truth everlasting.

America deserves this vision.   Just take that first step with me.  Admit to being dim and you will see the light I like to call Salvation.

I offer no apologies.  I know I know nothing.  But at least I know that.

So, rinse off them beanies and weenies and you too will see clearly!  Once you have vision and perspective, you’ll be able to have intelligent conversations with super smart people like Palin supporters, mighty Red Staters, Ditto Heads, and Glen Beck ball suckers.

Don’t Be Stupid! Share!

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The President Is Not Color Blind

July 24, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

President Obama “clarified” his comment concerning a Cambridge police officer and retreated from his initial position.  This proves once and for all Obama’s twisted agenda and preference for a particular color…

Yellow.

Paul McCartney Rooftop Concert On Letterman

July 18, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

In a statement released after Paul’s gig atop The Ed Sullivan Theater, Sarah Palin accused The Beatles of being “Commie lovers of the former U.S.S.R.” and  “statutory gang-raping a caribou with a flute.”

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Before And After: Peter King Of Pop

July 6, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Representative King pontificated a  cryptic and vague message on the psychology of society and why it reveres Michael Jackson.  King was soft.  Like a child with a smooth, bald, head; stricken with cancer whom Michael liked to molest, Peter King was soft in his tone.

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A Letter From Sarah Palin To Michael Jackson

July 5, 2009

Alaka Seal

July 5, 2009

Dear Michael!

Hi!  How are ya?  As you may have heard, I will be resigning as governor of the great state of Alaska.  I hope we can keep this letter confidential and I trust  you will take this to your grave.

Do you like polar bears?  I do.  I know you had a chimp once.  Bubbles the chimp.  Why did you name the chimp “Bubbles?”  You should have asked me for a good name.  Sorry, let me get back on point.  Polar Bears.

You know the climate in Alaska is important?  And, pipelines?  Sometimes, moose will cross over the pipelines in Alaska.  Todd will take the snow machine and try to run over a moose.  It’s fun.  You have to get up a pretty good amount of speed otherwise, you could die.  The moose’s weight would probably kill you.  Especially you.  I mean, how do you keep off that weight?

Do you ever feel alone?  Do you like the snow?  Alaska is great. Brussell sprouts are good for you.

I know the media constantly attacks you, and, as mayor of Alaska, I can understand.  Which is why I’m stepping down.  Outside of Alaska there are things.  Musical things.  I feel like we should, you know, “cut an album together.”  This will be important since your tour has been canceled for some reason.  We can send the world a message and revitalize both of our careers.

What do you think?  Check “A” if you think it’s a good idea, and check “B” if you do not.  Think it’s a good idea.

A [ ]

B [ ]

Your Thrilla’ In Wasilla,

Sarah Palin

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Unusable Signal! Happy Fourth!

July 4, 2009

Come celebrate the fourth appearance by at least one of the Ris brothers. Be afraid! The wild and zany brothers from East St. Louis (or thereabouts) have some surprise in store for you and Dylan is known to carry a switchblade. It’s the greatest tube show in tube show history baby! Comedy Central alumni Dylan and Ethan Ris will be on hand to help me funnel Diprivan and discuss Sarah Palin.

Tonight!  11:00 PM EST  Click here for Milk Of Amnesia.

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Michael Jackson’s Last Shot

July 1, 2009

jackson

And this was not Michael Jackson’s last shot…

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Liveblogging Jackson’s Attorneys On Larry King

June 30, 2009

Lawyer

9:22  Three attorneys who all represent Joe and Katherine Jackson.  Basically, they’re about to feel how Michael felt when Joe punched and probably molested him.  That’s what his will is for.  Which just popped up.  Like Michael’s manhood at a Barney show.

9:25  Attorneys filed paperwork before knowing a will existed.  That’s because when the will is fully disclosed, Michael will be giving it to Joe and having the last laugh.  The will will control.  Not Joe.  Joe gets shit.

9:27  Joe Jackson was a “loving father.”  By “loving” he means sodomizing a child with a broomstick.

9:28  I’m shocked.  The Jackson attorneys do not see a conflict of interest.  One fine barrister represented Michael, Joe, Katherine, The Family… I can’t see any possible disputes there.  Except maybe the lawsuits or allegations of Joe punching 10 year old Michael in the face.

9:29  King calls these attorneys “legal eagles.”  These are those sorts of eagles who fly into a pile of horse dung and search for worms and rhinestones.

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