Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Going Rouge – The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring and Activity Book

October 22, 2009

palinrouge

(Me find this from a link on Indecision about another Sarah Palin book.)

Finally, a political novel bold with (seventies-ish) color.  A masterpiece, with penetrating insight into the inner workings of the Sarah Palin thinking machine.  A veritable triumph and metaphor for a world, no, an America where you can crayon everywhere.

C’mon, you don’t want to create the appearance that you condone or support Sarah Palin by purchasing crap you KNOW will be piled high in the $3 book bin in a few months, do you? Instead, order a classic, collectible Palin book – one that hasn’t even been colored in yet – one that’s not just a buncha words, it’s got pictures!

And, it has neato cut-outs for the little ones…

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What’d He Say? He Said The President Is Near! The Tax On Secret Service

October 20, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

A “secret memo” from a noted left-wing liberal organization (The Fiendish Congressional Research Service) was unearthed and indicated that death threats against President Obama have increased somewhere in the neighborhood of four-hundred percent. Give or take.

Glenn Beck and his supporters must loudly protest this tax and interference of government interference by the government:

The unprecedented number of death threats against President Obama, a rise in racist hate groups, and a new wave of antigovernment fervor threaten to overwhelm the US Secret Service, according to government officials and reports, raising new questions about the 144-year-old agency’s overall mission.

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But Chicago Has This! The Wieners Circle (VSFW)

October 2, 2009

The Wieners Circle is a fine eating establishment in Chicago known for excellent food, ethnic diversity, and friendly service.  The plan was to base the Olympic Village around this classic Chi-Town eatery.  Hindsight’s 20/20 as they say…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(via funniness)

We should have sent the jaggoffs from the IOC who rejected Chicago to The Wieners Circle for a burger with a side of pussy juice.

Share! Or be a bum. It’s cool.

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Stormtroopers Remember Destruction Of The Death Star

September 14, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(Via Indecision and “Stormtroopers’ 9/11 – CollegeHumor Video“)

No one thinks of the poor Stormtroopers on the Death Star.  Never our minds on where they were?  What they were doing?  Hmph?

Come to think of it, how did Darth Vader get away?  Maybe he was working for the other side?  Maybe it was all planned out?  By one dark ruler.  Like a conspiracy even.

Stormtroopers!  TRUTH NOW!  StormtroopersTRUTH NOW!

Share! Never Forget! And, Click on the links because… they’re really not too shitty.

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The Secret Plans Of Van Jones Exposed

September 7, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(H/T Captain Freedom)

Since Van Jones is obviously a Truther, he was either going to infiltrate the Government and expose the 9/11 cover-up, or, Muslim out and fly an airplane into a vagina about 8 miles wide.

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Stimulus Checks Given To Citizens Bounce

August 30, 2009

check

(Fort Lauderdale, Florida) Joeseph Flannigan raced over to the War Memorial Auditorium to pick up his government stimulus check and follow his dream of opening the world’s largest stuffed animal emporium for children.   The South Florida Stimulus Coalition promised him a check for $653 and a heartwarming mantra to bring to the community:  “Helping jump start our economy.”

Joe, a lifelong Republican, invited Cube to join him and evaluate how President Obama’s plan actually worked in the community.  At first, he seemed a bit reluctant, but rationalized throwing his support behind the plan because as  Joe said, he’d “do anything to the kids.”  The burly and jovial lady at reception soothed his anxieties and led him behind a door to receive his free government paycheck.   We wouldn’t see Joe again for over two days.  As we sat there waiting for his return, we noticed over a hundred more citizens check in — and never check out.

They flocked by the dozens to the War Memorial Auditorium, lured by promises of fat stimulus checks. What they got was something else entirely.

In total, more than 100 qualified recipients scheduled appointments last week to see officials with the South Florida Stimulus Coalition in the hopes of a quick buck from a company with the slogan, “Helping jump start our economy.”

But instead, they found Fort Lauderdale police officers. And instead of a stimulus check, they were handcuffed and led off to jail.

Police announced the results Thursday of the two-day sting targeting Fort Lauderdale residents with outstanding warrants: 76 arrests of fugitives wanted for offenses ranging from grand theft to fraud to attempted murder.

Apparently, there was an active arrest warrant for Mr. Flannigan — a “brush with the law” for the unlawful use of a trenchcoat on a children’s playground.

When confronted with the allegation of exposing himself in pubic and masturbating underneath a London Fog, Flannigan demanded his check and told Cube:

“Obama is a Nazi and a socialist.  This is how it starts.  Spreading lies and false promises of hope.  Here’s your ‘Real America.’  Government interference.  By actual government agents!  I for one will not stand to see the destruction of a document I love — The Constitution.  Our Founding Fathers are probably convulsing in their graves.  This is Obamacare?  I want my country back!”

Cube does not take an official position on this case, but does note that an influx of stuffed animals into the economy would certainly stimulate debate.

UPDATE: Our tireless street lawyer (ahem) managed to find one of the 76 folks arrested for trying to cash in on the fake stimulus check in custody this morning.  Shockingly, he is a registered Republican.  However, Cube employees always work in a bipartisan manner.  We took the case pro-bono and the governement entered a nolle prosequi (dropped) for the case — dealing in stolen property, a second degree felony carrying a maximum penalty of fifteen years in Florida State Prison.

The Republican jailbird was happy to admit to being an idiot for believing the stimulus check was real stating, “fool me once, shame on something or another” and, “if it’s too good to be true, that is the question.”   The gentleman allowed me to poke a little fun at him since we did the case for free and all.   He openly admitted to everyone shackled to the chairs in the jury box that even after his warrant was served, and the cops slapped the ‘cuffs on him, all the arrestees still demanded their government stimulus checks (that never existed).  In fact, as the Ft. Lauderdale police transported the lot of them to the County in the paddy-wagon, an actual political debate broke out along with one shanking.    I get some pro-bono credits, the client is free, and he did promise to consider voting for Obama in 2012, but isn’t sure why.

Here is a redacted picture of the disposition where you can see “nolle prosequi” checked off.  Don’t ever say we never helped The Republican Party.

dispo

A Song For The Mob

August 23, 2009

Since conservatives play to the lowest common denominator, critical thinkers must rise above such nonsensical gobbledygook, stand upright on firm moral ground, and beckon them with songs of love…

Vodpod videos no longer available.
If you’re wondering whether I just used this opportune moment in history to play the above song, you’d be wrong.  Trust me.  Simply look at the first sentence in this paragraph as proof of my good faith and time honored conservative logic.

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The Glorious Basterd

August 20, 2009

BarneyBasterd

(H/T Diana via Luke Pattan)

I can imagine the pitch:  “It’s like Kill Bill.  But for Jews.  Starring Barney Frank.”

Children’s Choir Holds Prayer Service For Bob Novak

August 18, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Au Revoir Satani

Revelation 13:17  And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Revelation 13:18  Here is wisdom.  Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six Hundred threescore and six.

Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak, one of the nation’s most influential journalists, who relished his “Prince of Darkness” public persona, died at home here early Tuesday morning after a battle with brain cancer.

Nazarene!  You have won… Nothing!”  — Bob Novak.

Share (and if you’re Jewish, don’t convert like Novak!)

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Checking Into “Stupid” Rehab

August 16, 2009

Egats!  Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer America is “stupid.”

Like, Duh…

Yes.  America stumbles about in a drunken stupor.  We urinate words on the internets, collectively belch at town hall meetings (which hardly are held in towns or halls), and joust at windmills daily when Quixote himself would turn around and gallop to the nearest Diprivan factory.  Sweet Milk Of Amnesia — maybe MJ had it right.

I’ll try not to take such a pessimistic or existentialist view here.  Whether low-grade morons can be restored (they can’t) to a functioning level complete with cognitive processes, synapses, dendrites, and the proper firing of neurons is not for me to decide.  In any event, the humongo upward spike on the stupidity scale really doesn’t matter.  Does it?  In fact, it’s probably not even there.  Maybe everyone’s all Einstein, all the time, on all matters.  However, just in case we’re not all operating on an E=MC2 stratosphere, I think it wise to formulate some kind of plan.  A plan to fix the stupid dumb-dumbs.  Like me.

We should focus on being productive, honest, and straightforward members of America.  Everyone’s doing it!  I so desperately want to get on the road to Wellville.  As I write, I realize there’s no need to harp on the similarities between proctology and neurology while looking at a culture of the American brain in a petri dish.  That would be rude.  I will try a softer approach.  One not elitist in any way.

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting to having one — we’re all shit heads.  No Amy Weinhouse defenses for this pillar of the blog community.  I’m taking this country to “stupid” rehab.

Those who rightly claim to know everything (because they clearly do) can leave the group and go about their smarty-pants lives.  Sorts of this variety are too intellectually honest and need read no further.

I only have time for Step One for those willing to press on.  Go to your favorite social networking site or gulag and introduce yourself.  Here’s an example:  “Hello.  My name’s Cube.  I’m an American.  I’m stupid.”

Wow!  That was like Zest for my skull innards.  You know that shower one takes after a night of debauchery?  A particular shower used to cleanse  yourself from multiple elixirs and bodily fluids which travelled ungodly distances, got on your suit, and somehow hit the ceiling fan?  That shower.  It feels so good.  Hose yourself down.  Admit you are stupid.  Come clean.

Only after admitting your problem will you see “facts” are now called “tweets” and keyboards alone are intrinsically capable of springing truth everlasting.

America deserves this vision.   Just take that first step with me.  Admit to being dim and you will see the light I like to call Salvation.

I offer no apologies.  I know I know nothing.  But at least I know that.

So, rinse off them beanies and weenies and you too will see clearly!  Once you have vision and perspective, you’ll be able to have intelligent conversations with super smart people like Palin supporters, mighty Red Staters, Ditto Heads, and Glen Beck ball suckers.

Don’t Be Stupid! Share!

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