Archive for August, 2009

Stimulus Checks Given To Citizens Bounce

August 30, 2009

check

(Fort Lauderdale, Florida) Joeseph Flannigan raced over to the War Memorial Auditorium to pick up his government stimulus check and follow his dream of opening the world’s largest stuffed animal emporium for children.   The South Florida Stimulus Coalition promised him a check for $653 and a heartwarming mantra to bring to the community:  “Helping jump start our economy.”

Joe, a lifelong Republican, invited Cube to join him and evaluate how President Obama’s plan actually worked in the community.  At first, he seemed a bit reluctant, but rationalized throwing his support behind the plan because as  Joe said, he’d “do anything to the kids.”  The burly and jovial lady at reception soothed his anxieties and led him behind a door to receive his free government paycheck.   We wouldn’t see Joe again for over two days.  As we sat there waiting for his return, we noticed over a hundred more citizens check in — and never check out.

They flocked by the dozens to the War Memorial Auditorium, lured by promises of fat stimulus checks. What they got was something else entirely.

In total, more than 100 qualified recipients scheduled appointments last week to see officials with the South Florida Stimulus Coalition in the hopes of a quick buck from a company with the slogan, “Helping jump start our economy.”

But instead, they found Fort Lauderdale police officers. And instead of a stimulus check, they were handcuffed and led off to jail.

Police announced the results Thursday of the two-day sting targeting Fort Lauderdale residents with outstanding warrants: 76 arrests of fugitives wanted for offenses ranging from grand theft to fraud to attempted murder.

Apparently, there was an active arrest warrant for Mr. Flannigan — a “brush with the law” for the unlawful use of a trenchcoat on a children’s playground.

When confronted with the allegation of exposing himself in pubic and masturbating underneath a London Fog, Flannigan demanded his check and told Cube:

“Obama is a Nazi and a socialist.  This is how it starts.  Spreading lies and false promises of hope.  Here’s your ‘Real America.’  Government interference.  By actual government agents!  I for one will not stand to see the destruction of a document I love — The Constitution.  Our Founding Fathers are probably convulsing in their graves.  This is Obamacare?  I want my country back!”

Cube does not take an official position on this case, but does note that an influx of stuffed animals into the economy would certainly stimulate debate.

UPDATE: Our tireless street lawyer (ahem) managed to find one of the 76 folks arrested for trying to cash in on the fake stimulus check in custody this morning.  Shockingly, he is a registered Republican.  However, Cube employees always work in a bipartisan manner.  We took the case pro-bono and the governement entered a nolle prosequi (dropped) for the case — dealing in stolen property, a second degree felony carrying a maximum penalty of fifteen years in Florida State Prison.

The Republican jailbird was happy to admit to being an idiot for believing the stimulus check was real stating, “fool me once, shame on something or another” and, “if it’s too good to be true, that is the question.”   The gentleman allowed me to poke a little fun at him since we did the case for free and all.   He openly admitted to everyone shackled to the chairs in the jury box that even after his warrant was served, and the cops slapped the ‘cuffs on him, all the arrestees still demanded their government stimulus checks (that never existed).  In fact, as the Ft. Lauderdale police transported the lot of them to the County in the paddy-wagon, an actual political debate broke out along with one shanking.    I get some pro-bono credits, the client is free, and he did promise to consider voting for Obama in 2012, but isn’t sure why.

Here is a redacted picture of the disposition where you can see “nolle prosequi” checked off.  Don’t ever say we never helped The Republican Party.

dispo

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Unusable Signal: The Return

August 25, 2009

unusable signal

Tonight!  11:00 PM EST.  The Return.  Click here to tune into the best tube show on the tubes.  Basically, I’m gonna kick the shit out of “The Right’s” alleged arguments concerning most everything.  Consider it a Death Show.

A Song For The Mob

August 23, 2009

Since conservatives play to the lowest common denominator, critical thinkers must rise above such nonsensical gobbledygook, stand upright on firm moral ground, and beckon them with songs of love…

Vodpod videos no longer available.
If you’re wondering whether I just used this opportune moment in history to play the above song, you’d be wrong.  Trust me.  Simply look at the first sentence in this paragraph as proof of my good faith and time honored conservative logic.

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The Glorious Basterd

August 20, 2009

BarneyBasterd

(H/T Diana via Luke Pattan)

I can imagine the pitch:  “It’s like Kill Bill.  But for Jews.  Starring Barney Frank.”

Children’s Choir Holds Prayer Service For Bob Novak

August 18, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Au Revoir Satani

Revelation 13:17  And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Revelation 13:18  Here is wisdom.  Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six Hundred threescore and six.

Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak, one of the nation’s most influential journalists, who relished his “Prince of Darkness” public persona, died at home here early Tuesday morning after a battle with brain cancer.

Nazarene!  You have won… Nothing!”  — Bob Novak.

Share (and if you’re Jewish, don’t convert like Novak!)

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Checking Into “Stupid” Rehab

August 16, 2009

Egats!  Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer America is “stupid.”

Like, Duh…

Yes.  America stumbles about in a drunken stupor.  We urinate words on the internets, collectively belch at town hall meetings (which hardly are held in towns or halls), and joust at windmills daily when Quixote himself would turn around and gallop to the nearest Diprivan factory.  Sweet Milk Of Amnesia — maybe MJ had it right.

I’ll try not to take such a pessimistic or existentialist view here.  Whether low-grade morons can be restored (they can’t) to a functioning level complete with cognitive processes, synapses, dendrites, and the proper firing of neurons is not for me to decide.  In any event, the humongo upward spike on the stupidity scale really doesn’t matter.  Does it?  In fact, it’s probably not even there.  Maybe everyone’s all Einstein, all the time, on all matters.  However, just in case we’re not all operating on an E=MC2 stratosphere, I think it wise to formulate some kind of plan.  A plan to fix the stupid dumb-dumbs.  Like me.

We should focus on being productive, honest, and straightforward members of America.  Everyone’s doing it!  I so desperately want to get on the road to Wellville.  As I write, I realize there’s no need to harp on the similarities between proctology and neurology while looking at a culture of the American brain in a petri dish.  That would be rude.  I will try a softer approach.  One not elitist in any way.

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting to having one — we’re all shit heads.  No Amy Weinhouse defenses for this pillar of the blog community.  I’m taking this country to “stupid” rehab.

Those who rightly claim to know everything (because they clearly do) can leave the group and go about their smarty-pants lives.  Sorts of this variety are too intellectually honest and need read no further.

I only have time for Step One for those willing to press on.  Go to your favorite social networking site or gulag and introduce yourself.  Here’s an example:  “Hello.  My name’s Cube.  I’m an American.  I’m stupid.”

Wow!  That was like Zest for my skull innards.  You know that shower one takes after a night of debauchery?  A particular shower used to cleanse  yourself from multiple elixirs and bodily fluids which travelled ungodly distances, got on your suit, and somehow hit the ceiling fan?  That shower.  It feels so good.  Hose yourself down.  Admit you are stupid.  Come clean.

Only after admitting your problem will you see “facts” are now called “tweets” and keyboards alone are intrinsically capable of springing truth everlasting.

America deserves this vision.   Just take that first step with me.  Admit to being dim and you will see the light I like to call Salvation.

I offer no apologies.  I know I know nothing.  But at least I know that.

So, rinse off them beanies and weenies and you too will see clearly!  Once you have vision and perspective, you’ll be able to have intelligent conversations with super smart people like Palin supporters, mighty Red Staters, Ditto Heads, and Glen Beck ball suckers.

Don’t Be Stupid! Share!

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“Real” Mob To Sue “Cafone” Mob For Copyright Infringement

August 9, 2009

gf

(Miami, Florida)  Nothing unites America like a good Mob story — the”real” Mob that is.  On the upscale shuffleboard and bacce ball courts at a retirement community in Miami, I caught up with a few “reformed” old-timers who are fed up with what they consider to be theft of their intellectual property — the word, “Mob.”  As a condition of the interviews, I promised to only use first names, conceal the location of their outdoor activity center, and bring them black and white cookies from the The Rascal House.  I didn’t have the heart to tell the fellas that The Rascal House had closed.  Sage Deli would have to do.

I met Gus and his crew sometime in the late ’70s at The Rascal House as a kid with my Jewish grandpa.  One thing Jews and Italians could always agree on was good food with heaping piles of guilt sauce.  At the time, I didn’t know they were, um, businessmen.  They’re “retired” now, but want to preserve their heritage.  I was up for a game of bacce, but they just wanted to eat in the shade and talk “politics.”

Rawls:  It’s good to see ya Gus.  Boys…

Gus: Thanks for bringin’ the cookies kid.

Rawls: So, this whole Mob lawsuit.  What’s that about?

Gus: Heyyyy.  Are you fucking kidding me?  These cafones think they can just take our name?

Frankie: Yeah.  It’s ours.

Gus: That’s right.  We’re taking them to court.

Rawls: So let me get this straight, you’re suing protesters at the Town Hall Meetings for stealing the word “Mob?”

Nunzio:  We’re reformed.

Frankie: Yeah.  Reformed.

Gus: These people on T.V.  They’re not “The Mob.”

Nunzio: Scemos.

Gus:  An insult.

Rawls: Why a lawsuit?

(more…)

“Moo Means No!” — Cow Testifies Against Officer Who Raped Her

August 5, 2009

cow

Official Transcript

The Court: You may proceed.

Cow: Moo.  Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  Thank you.  Um, Madam Cow, you claim Patrolman Robert Melia  mooed you is that correct?

Cow:  Moo.

Mr. Dickstein: I guess you don’t find it funny that he mooed you in a town called Moorestown do you?

Cow: Moo Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  I mean, it is New Jersey.

Cow: Moooooooooo.

Mr. Dickstein: Would you like a Kleenex?  It’s not your fault you’re from Jersey and wear cheap lipstick from 1982.

Cow: Moo Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  I have one last question Your Honor.

The Court: Give the poor girl some grass and proceed counselor.

Mr. Bovine: Objection!  Leading the winess.

Mr. Dickstein:  I was just taking her to our inner courtroom pasture.

The Court: Overruled.  I’ll give you wide latitude.

Mr. Bovine: (mumbling) I’ll bet Cow has some wide latitude.

The Court: What was that Mr. Bovine?

Mr. Bovine: Nothing.

The Court: Continue.

Mr. Dickstein: Thank you.  Cow, did Patroman Melia moo you four times on four separate occasions?  Moo or Moo Moo.  Answer the question!

Cow: Moo!  Moo!  Moo!   Mooooo Moooo Moooo Mooooo Moooooo.

Mr. Dickstein:  Let the record relect that was a single “Moo.”  Someone get her a Kleenex.

Did you consent?  Did you say “Moo?” Or, ‘Moo Moo?”

Cow:  Moo Moo!

Mr. Dickstein: Thank you.  Nothing further.

Cow. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

WHEREUPON, udder converstations were held off the record.

Cop Con Leche: Worst Officer Of All Time?

August 5, 2009

Really Bad Cop

Got Milk?

A cop charged with sexually assaulting multiple illegal immigrants apparently likes vitamin D.

After you’ve finished gagging…  That didn’t come out right.  Click on the link for the entire affidavit and you’ll know why.

UPDATE: Another Cop Busted Boning Cows (via Prof. Turley’s Blog)

Video after the jump with the details…

(more…)

Nothing Says “America” Like A Yodeling Dominatrix

August 4, 2009

Like The Star Spangled Banner, My Country ‘Tis Of Thee, and that midget climbing up a ruler on the Price Is Right, nothing represents our country’s pure essence like a foreign Amazon whore who will kick your ass while yodeling and sexing you up.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT!

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