(Fort Lauderdale, Florida) Joeseph Flannigan raced over to the War Memorial Auditorium to pick up his government stimulus check and follow his dream of opening the world’s largest stuffed animal emporium for children. The South Florida Stimulus Coalition promised him a check for $653 and a heartwarming mantra to bring to the community: “Helping jump start our economy.”
Joe, a lifelong Republican, invited Cube to join him and evaluate how President Obama’s plan actually worked in the community. At first, he seemed a bit reluctant, but rationalized throwing his support behind the plan because as Joe said, he’d “do anything to the kids.” The burly and jovial lady at reception soothed his anxieties and led him behind a door to receive his free government paycheck. We wouldn’t see Joe again for over two days. As we sat there waiting for his return, we noticed over a hundred more citizens check in — and never check out.
They flocked by the dozens to the War Memorial Auditorium, lured by promises of fat stimulus checks. What they got was something else entirely.
In total, more than 100 qualified recipients scheduled appointments last week to see officials with the South Florida Stimulus Coalition in the hopes of a quick buck from a company with the slogan, “Helping jump start our economy.”
But instead, they found Fort Lauderdale police officers. And instead of a stimulus check, they were handcuffed and led off to jail.
Police announced the results Thursday of the two-day sting targeting Fort Lauderdale residents with outstanding warrants: 76 arrests of fugitives wanted for offenses ranging from grand theft to fraud to attempted murder.
Apparently, there was an active arrest warrant for Mr. Flannigan — a “brush with the law” for the unlawful use of a trenchcoat on a children’s playground.
When confronted with the allegation of exposing himself in pubic and masturbating underneath a London Fog, Flannigan demanded his check and told Cube:
“Obama is a Nazi and a socialist. This is how it starts. Spreading lies and false promises of hope. Here’s your ‘Real America.’ Government interference. By actual government agents! I for one will not stand to see the destruction of a document I love — The Constitution. Our Founding Fathers are probably convulsing in their graves. This is Obamacare? I want my country back!”
Cube does not take an official position on this case, but does note that an influx of stuffed animals into the economy would certainly stimulate debate.
UPDATE: Our tireless street lawyer (ahem) managed to find one of the 76 folks arrested for trying to cash in on the fake stimulus check in custody this morning. Shockingly, he is a registered Republican. However, Cube employees always work in a bipartisan manner. We took the case pro-bono and the governement entered a nolle prosequi (dropped) for the case — dealing in stolen property, a second degree felony carrying a maximum penalty of fifteen years in Florida State Prison.
The Republican jailbird was happy to admit to being an idiot for believing the stimulus check was real stating, “fool me once, shame on something or another” and, “if it’s too good to be true, that is the question.” The gentleman allowed me to poke a little fun at him since we did the case for free and all. He openly admitted to everyone shackled to the chairs in the jury box that even after his warrant was served, and the cops slapped the ‘cuffs on him, all the arrestees still demanded their government stimulus checks (that never existed). In fact, as the Ft. Lauderdale police transported the lot of them to the County in the paddy-wagon, an actual political debate broke out along with one shanking. I get some pro-bono credits, the client is free, and he did promise to consider voting for Obama in 2012, but isn’t sure why.
Here is a redacted picture of the disposition where you can see “nolle prosequi” checked off. Don’t ever say we never helped The Republican Party.
Cube 
