Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

A Song For The Mob

August 23, 2009

Since conservatives play to the lowest common denominator, critical thinkers must rise above such nonsensical gobbledygook, stand upright on firm moral ground, and beckon them with songs of love…

Vodpod videos no longer available.
If you’re wondering whether I just used this opportune moment in history to play the above song, you’d be wrong.  Trust me.  Simply look at the first sentence in this paragraph as proof of my good faith and time honored conservative logic.

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The Glorious Basterd

August 20, 2009

BarneyBasterd

(H/T Diana via Luke Pattan)

I can imagine the pitch:  “It’s like Kill Bill.  But for Jews.  Starring Barney Frank.”

Checking Into “Stupid” Rehab

August 16, 2009

Egats!  Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer America is “stupid.”

Like, Duh…

Yes.  America stumbles about in a drunken stupor.  We urinate words on the internets, collectively belch at town hall meetings (which hardly are held in towns or halls), and joust at windmills daily when Quixote himself would turn around and gallop to the nearest Diprivan factory.  Sweet Milk Of Amnesia — maybe MJ had it right.

I’ll try not to take such a pessimistic or existentialist view here.  Whether low-grade morons can be restored (they can’t) to a functioning level complete with cognitive processes, synapses, dendrites, and the proper firing of neurons is not for me to decide.  In any event, the humongo upward spike on the stupidity scale really doesn’t matter.  Does it?  In fact, it’s probably not even there.  Maybe everyone’s all Einstein, all the time, on all matters.  However, just in case we’re not all operating on an E=MC2 stratosphere, I think it wise to formulate some kind of plan.  A plan to fix the stupid dumb-dumbs.  Like me.

We should focus on being productive, honest, and straightforward members of America.  Everyone’s doing it!  I so desperately want to get on the road to Wellville.  As I write, I realize there’s no need to harp on the similarities between proctology and neurology while looking at a culture of the American brain in a petri dish.  That would be rude.  I will try a softer approach.  One not elitist in any way.

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting to having one — we’re all shit heads.  No Amy Weinhouse defenses for this pillar of the blog community.  I’m taking this country to “stupid” rehab.

Those who rightly claim to know everything (because they clearly do) can leave the group and go about their smarty-pants lives.  Sorts of this variety are too intellectually honest and need read no further.

I only have time for Step One for those willing to press on.  Go to your favorite social networking site or gulag and introduce yourself.  Here’s an example:  “Hello.  My name’s Cube.  I’m an American.  I’m stupid.”

Wow!  That was like Zest for my skull innards.  You know that shower one takes after a night of debauchery?  A particular shower used to cleanse  yourself from multiple elixirs and bodily fluids which travelled ungodly distances, got on your suit, and somehow hit the ceiling fan?  That shower.  It feels so good.  Hose yourself down.  Admit you are stupid.  Come clean.

Only after admitting your problem will you see “facts” are now called “tweets” and keyboards alone are intrinsically capable of springing truth everlasting.

America deserves this vision.   Just take that first step with me.  Admit to being dim and you will see the light I like to call Salvation.

I offer no apologies.  I know I know nothing.  But at least I know that.

So, rinse off them beanies and weenies and you too will see clearly!  Once you have vision and perspective, you’ll be able to have intelligent conversations with super smart people like Palin supporters, mighty Red Staters, Ditto Heads, and Glen Beck ball suckers.

Don’t Be Stupid! Share!

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Bull Semen Hair Care

July 16, 2009

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They say bull sperm provides a scientifically significant amount of protein to provide rich, luxurious, hair.  In today’s economy, I really think this is appalling, unnecessary, and done without any consent by bulls to involuntarily masturbate them.

I would  be willing and fully consent to shoot a load in your hair.  For a much lesser price.

Try my product.

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It’s Official: Sarah Palin Is A Dildo (Update: Told Ya)

July 2, 2009

palindildo

I am outraged!  Sarah Palin is “made of the finest silicone not latex.”

FIRST UPDATE OF DILDO ARTICLE IN INTERNET HISTORY:  Aha!  For those who do not read the tags, I told you “Barack Obama is a Dildo.”

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UPDATE TWO:  Dildo Power!  Sarah Palin resigned!  Do not underestimate the power of my dildo predicting skills.  I’m a dildo Jedi.  This is where you saw my dildo brain begin to think something was really wrong with Palin — the dildo.  The full court press of my dildo squad did it.  I’d like to give a shout out to my dildo posse (that’s posse).  It wasn’t Vanity Fair.  It was my mutherfucking dildo.

Giving Up Electronic Cigs, Moving To Foam

July 1, 2009

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop inhaling nicotine vapor.

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Janice Dickinson’s A Celebrity… Get Her Bowel Movement Out Of There!

June 16, 2009

angieHere at Cube, our ethics policy requires honest reporting, unique perspectives, and unfiltered, unbiased prose destined to cut through the gobbledygook of Main Stream Media.  Janice Dickinson, model and celebrity in NBC’s, “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here,” had to get out of there.  I mean, real bad.  The poor lady couldn’t take a dump for seven days straight.

Without pause, the Emmy nominators better loosen that stuffy persona and nominate  Ms. Dickinson for best acting while having to take a really huge shit.  Half of the show last night focused on Janice’s “distended” belly and a blockage of poo in her colon.  A timely close-up of fellow celeb Sanjaya Malakar portrayed his compassion as he tried to massage the cement-like mix of rice and beans through her digestive system.  Mrs. Blago, often portrayed as some sort of villain in the media, had nothing but empathy for this brown mound lost somewhere hopefully near the anal cavity of my new-found favorite celebrity (who likes to talk about G.I. issues without remorse).

In a shocking turn of events, despite trying to gut it out, ambulances had to take Ms. Dickinson away after she vomited all over the rainforest in Costa Rica.  While she claimed she wasn’t “practicing” her modeling skills, I had the feeling Janice was doing the profession proud.

It was announced she had a viral infection as she was whisked away by an ambulance coupled with  a riveting grainy scene of a slow-motion I.V. drip.  But, they never told us whether she evacuated.

The show?  She came back.  And tomorrow night, we are left to decide my hero’s fate.  Her stool?  Compacted chance outstanding.

I had been lackadaisical in my coverage of Janice’s bodily functions up to this point.  I have poop-scooped my non-arch nemesis, Jezebel.  In an article entitled, “Janice Dicinson Pisses Where She Sleeps” they (like me) hit us with the cold hard facts:

Janice woke up in the middle of the night, squat beside her bed, and peed in the middle of the group’s camp. Later, she threatened to take a shit on Daniel Baldwin’s pillow.

Video after the jump…

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