Archive for the ‘Family Values’ Category

“Real” Mob To Sue “Cafone” Mob For Copyright Infringement

August 9, 2009


(Miami, Florida)  Nothing unites America like a good Mob story — the”real” Mob that is.  On the upscale shuffleboard and bacce ball courts at a retirement community in Miami, I caught up with a few “reformed” old-timers who are fed up with what they consider to be theft of their intellectual property — the word, “Mob.”  As a condition of the interviews, I promised to only use first names, conceal the location of their outdoor activity center, and bring them black and white cookies from the The Rascal House.  I didn’t have the heart to tell the fellas that The Rascal House had closed.  Sage Deli would have to do.

I met Gus and his crew sometime in the late ’70s at The Rascal House as a kid with my Jewish grandpa.  One thing Jews and Italians could always agree on was good food with heaping piles of guilt sauce.  At the time, I didn’t know they were, um, businessmen.  They’re “retired” now, but want to preserve their heritage.  I was up for a game of bacce, but they just wanted to eat in the shade and talk “politics.”

Rawls:  It’s good to see ya Gus.  Boys…

Gus: Thanks for bringin’ the cookies kid.

Rawls: So, this whole Mob lawsuit.  What’s that about?

Gus: Heyyyy.  Are you fucking kidding me?  These cafones think they can just take our name?

Frankie: Yeah.  It’s ours.

Gus: That’s right.  We’re taking them to court.

Rawls: So let me get this straight, you’re suing protesters at the Town Hall Meetings for stealing the word “Mob?”

Nunzio:  We’re reformed.

Frankie: Yeah.  Reformed.

Gus: These people on T.V.  They’re not “The Mob.”

Nunzio: Scemos.

Gus:  An insult.

Rawls: Why a lawsuit?


Red Sox Nation Hires The Iron Sheik To Lead PR Team — Challenges A-Rod

July 16, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(Sheik starts at the :20 mark)

Have you been wondering what The Iron Sheik is up to aside from the occasional toot of crack and fighting with a stoned midget?   I have.

The Boys Of Summer make their way back to the freshly manicured grass for the second half of the season and The Iron Sheik takes on his new duties as head of PR for Red Sox Nation.  We’d respectfully like to take this time to clearly express The Nation is not homophobic and promotes gay rights.

Therefore, we do encourage Sheiky Baby to “fuck [Alex Rodriguez] in the ass with a beer bottle,” “challenge” George Steinbrener to an arm-wrestling match, and place the entire city of New York in a Camel Clutch to “fuck them in the ass and make them humble.”

Go Red Sox!

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Before And After: Peter King Of Pop

July 6, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Representative King pontificated a  cryptic and vague message on the psychology of society and why it reveres Michael Jackson.  King was soft.  Like a child with a smooth, bald, head; stricken with cancer whom Michael liked to molest, Peter King was soft in his tone.

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It’s Official: Sarah Palin Is A Dildo (Update: Told Ya)

July 2, 2009


I am outraged!  Sarah Palin is “made of the finest silicone not latex.”

FIRST UPDATE OF DILDO ARTICLE IN INTERNET HISTORY:  Aha!  For those who do not read the tags, I told you “Barack Obama is a Dildo.”

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UPDATE TWO:  Dildo Power!  Sarah Palin resigned!  Do not underestimate the power of my dildo predicting skills.  I’m a dildo Jedi.  This is where you saw my dildo brain begin to think something was really wrong with Palin — the dildo.  The full court press of my dildo squad did it.  I’d like to give a shout out to my dildo posse (that’s posse).  It wasn’t Vanity Fair.  It was my mutherfucking dildo.

The Thorn Birds Part III: Father Cutie Converts, Marries, Preaches Forgiveness and Fornication (UPDATE: AND GETS SUED)

June 17, 2009

You might remember the story of Miami’s Father Cutie, a/k/a Father “Oprah.” To recap, Father Cutie got caught with his hand in the thong jar and left the Catholic Church for some skank rather than stay true to God.

Good news heathens!  He’s back.  He’s boning.  He’s an Episcopalian preacher man.  And, Padre Cutie exchanged nuptials with his sweetie from the sands of South Beach:


Match Game D.C.

June 17, 2009

Let’s get right down to the game shall we?  You all know the rules.  I read a question and all you have to do is fill in the blank and match them with the answers from our panel of some dead, some living, game show hosts.   Let’s meet them now…

The original host of Match Game and consummate lover of three-ways with Mark Goodson and Bill Todman:  Say hello to Dead  Mr. Gene Rayburn.    Next, a man sharing one harmonious melody with kung fu:  Dead Mr. Ray Combs.  Our next host is alive and claims he’d pop a cap in your ass if you fuck with him: Say hello or else to Mr. Chuck Barris.  And our last dead game show host, Drew Carey.

Remember, this show has never been known to use sexual innuendo or anything of the sort, so, keep it clean.  Contestants have flipped a coin backstage and it has been decided that Jim will go first.  Jim…


Artie Lange Rapes Joe Buck, Apology Unlikely

June 16, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

What’s in a word?

The New York Times does a great job analyzing Artie Lange’s hijack of Joe Buck’s premier on HBO as he took over Costas Live:

Michael Irvin, in the audience after being part of a segment with Bengals receiver Chad Johnson following the Favre interview, could only laugh at the spectacle.

“It’s refreshing to see white-on-white crime,” he said.

Lange’s shtick, which will be dissected with Stern on Tuesday morning, will be compared — for the attention it has created — to last year’s confrontation over blogging on “Costas Now” between the writer Buzz Bissinger and Will Leitch, then of Deadspin.

Bissinger kept erupting, creating a fascinating tableau of righteous anger.

But the Lange incident — which benefited from the artistic freedom that HBO provides — was not about any particular issue; it was about Lange’s decision that the stage was his to seize. Buck said: “It’s an unfortunate thing that happened. But it’s live. If it were taped, nobody would have seen it.”

Look, sometimes a rape victim suffers from Stockholm Syndrome.  We should all pray for Joe Buck, but I have a feeling he’ll be begging for Lange’s return.  It’s a vicious cycle these talk show hosts go through.

Lessons On Autoerotic Asphyxiation (Not Mentioning Names)

June 15, 2009

Grasshopper!  Grasshopper!  Grasshopper!

😦 grasshopper.

Too Soon?

Louisiana Court Recognizes Marriage Of Cousins: Gays and Goats To Follow?

June 9, 2009

Finally!  A legitimate chance at wedded bliss for kissin’ cousins that are in lovin’:

In a very interesting decision (with implications for same-sex marriage), a Louisiana court has held that the state must recognize a foreign marriage between cousins despite the fact that such a marriage would be null and void in the statem The 1st Circuit Appeals court ruled that there is no strong public policy that would bar such a recognition. The case involved a divorce case where the East Baton Rouge Parish Family Court judge declined jurisdiction.

The unhappy couple were married in Iran. Like most nations, cousins can marry in Iran. Since it is a valid marriage in Iran, the court ruled that it should be treated as valid in Louisiana. For the opinion, click here

Professor Turley goes on to explain how we can draw an inference from the opinion — states will give “full faith and credit” to other states where gay marriage has been deemed legal by the gay state legislatures.   The argument goes that if Louisiana recognizes Deliverance Gone Wild type marriage in Iran, then under the Constitution states will could easily have use this as “persuasive authority” to recognize gay marriage laws of other states.  Gag.

Do you not see your own fallacious post-hoc logic?  Welcome to class sir!

Professor Turley, a brilliant yet empathetic (which is now tantamount to being evil while on Viagra) constitutional law expert at George Washington, would have you believe all states must accept the progressive views of Iran.  Oh Prof!  Your hamartia is exposed for the world to see.


Happy 100th Post! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Monster Trucks (No Queers)

June 8, 2009

And that’s the reason we don’t have gays in the military.

Have no fears queers!  The Supreme Court didn’t really stick it to the gays.  Ask any Law Dork what the denial of cert means:  Answer:  “Not Much”

Perhaps they should go back in time to 1950 and ask some little black boys and girls how they felt about not being allowed to openly go on a white-only playground.