Archive for the ‘Animal Porn’ Category

“Moo Means No!” — Cow Testifies Against Officer Who Raped Her

August 5, 2009

cow

Official Transcript

The Court: You may proceed.

Cow: Moo.  Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  Thank you.  Um, Madam Cow, you claim Patrolman Robert Melia  mooed you is that correct?

Cow:  Moo.

Mr. Dickstein: I guess you don’t find it funny that he mooed you in a town called Moorestown do you?

Cow: Moo Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  I mean, it is New Jersey.

Cow: Moooooooooo.

Mr. Dickstein: Would you like a Kleenex?  It’s not your fault you’re from Jersey and wear cheap lipstick from 1982.

Cow: Moo Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  I have one last question Your Honor.

The Court: Give the poor girl some grass and proceed counselor.

Mr. Bovine: Objection!  Leading the winess.

Mr. Dickstein:  I was just taking her to our inner courtroom pasture.

The Court: Overruled.  I’ll give you wide latitude.

Mr. Bovine: (mumbling) I’ll bet Cow has some wide latitude.

The Court: What was that Mr. Bovine?

Mr. Bovine: Nothing.

The Court: Continue.

Mr. Dickstein: Thank you.  Cow, did Patroman Melia moo you four times on four separate occasions?  Moo or Moo Moo.  Answer the question!

Cow: Moo!  Moo!  Moo!   Mooooo Moooo Moooo Mooooo Moooooo.

Mr. Dickstein:  Let the record relect that was a single “Moo.”  Someone get her a Kleenex.

Did you consent?  Did you say “Moo?” Or, ‘Moo Moo?”

Cow:  Moo Moo!

Mr. Dickstein: Thank you.  Nothing further.

Cow. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

WHEREUPON, udder converstations were held off the record.

Cop Con Leche: Worst Officer Of All Time?

August 5, 2009

Really Bad Cop

Got Milk?

A cop charged with sexually assaulting multiple illegal immigrants apparently likes vitamin D.

After you’ve finished gagging…  That didn’t come out right.  Click on the link for the entire affidavit and you’ll know why.

UPDATE: Another Cop Busted Boning Cows (via Prof. Turley’s Blog)

Video after the jump with the details…

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Paul McCartney Rooftop Concert On Letterman

July 18, 2009

In a statement released after Paul’s gig atop The Ed Sullivan Theater, Sarah Palin accused The Beatles of being “Commie lovers of the former U.S.S.R.” and  “statutory gang-raping a caribou with a flute.”

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Pat Buchanan: “Until The Thrashing Stops!”

July 15, 2009

Pat’s awesome.  Palin should take her money from the big Meth deal and recent booking on the Morton Downey, Jr. show and use it to  hire Buchanan as Chief of Staff.   He brings too much liberal bias to MSNBC — a noted Separatist blog.

Yes.  This Blog is pro-drowning.

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Open Haiku To Sarah Palin

July 5, 2009

My Argentinian Alaskan Princess,

I Call This “Water.” I hope you like it. Ahem…

Stunning Calls For Night
Loved Ones By Lake Full Of Life…
Multiple Geese Croaked.

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“Unusable Signal” Tonight 11:00 PM EST

June 20, 2009

unusable signal

UPDATE: Moe Lane of Red Planet (shocker) has a knee jerk reaction.  Not an update:  Moe Lane is a fucking jerkoff.

Tonight we explore conflation and hyperventilation on Twitter. I dare not explain satire, because everyone has a perfect working knowledge of it. Do you have a green Iranian protest supporter visor? What have you done with it? Twitter has an odd effect on the id, ego, and superfriggging big ego. When it comes to Twitter, the tweeps who want heat need “followers.” Why? It’s sweet. How can you really help Iran? What can you do? Maybe bash The President during this show of solidarity? Hmmmmmmmmm?

I’m taking some heat for the tweet beat by your feet.  Sweet.  I’ll try to sum that up for you.  In response to sekanblogger , I wrote:

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6 Green Avatars You Need To Destroy Iran

June 20, 2009

twitter_bird_dead

With everyone all up on the twitter tip when it comes to their green tinted avatars, we here at Cube have some items you should totally consider in our revolution to overthrow Iran.  This show of solidarity is far more important than utilizing twitter as some technological means to advance a just cause.  In fact, I loathe the argument that going green for freedom somehow makes the twitterer in question an easier mark for Iranian agents waiting in the bushes to slit your throat and pull your tounge down through your neck and use it as a falafel.  They call that, an “Iranian Necktie.”  Keeping the possibility of your assassination at bay for a moment, because that threat is imminent and real, here are some items for your consideration:

6. Vibratex Koi Vibrator

greendildo

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twitter TRACKER

June 19, 2009

Open thread toe hold.  Check out the TWEETS WITH HEAT!

“Unusable Signal” Comedy On Trial: The Defense

June 13, 2009

carlin

Res Ipsa Loquitor Chowderheads. WARNING: THIS SHOW WILL CONTAIN EXPLICIT LANGUAGE ANS VULGAR SEXUAL INNUENDO IS LIKELY (ACTUALLY, IT PROBABLY WON’T BE INNUENDO IF I MAKE IT WITH A POLAR BEAR I’VE TRAINED TO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM). Toddlers should listen without their parent’s consent. Comedy has been put under a microscope unfairly as of late, and, it’s a good time to mark down DNR on the toe-tag of the P.C. Police. Or, have them do comedy themselves.

Tonight 11:00 PM (EST)

Louisiana Court Recognizes Marriage Of Cousins: Gays and Goats To Follow?

June 9, 2009

Finally!  A legitimate chance at wedded bliss for kissin’ cousins that are in lovin’:

In a very interesting decision (with implications for same-sex marriage), a Louisiana court has held that the state must recognize a foreign marriage between cousins despite the fact that such a marriage would be null and void in the statem The 1st Circuit Appeals court ruled that there is no strong public policy that would bar such a recognition. The case involved a divorce case where the East Baton Rouge Parish Family Court judge declined jurisdiction.

The unhappy couple were married in Iran. Like most nations, cousins can marry in Iran. Since it is a valid marriage in Iran, the court ruled that it should be treated as valid in Louisiana. For the opinion, click here

Professor Turley goes on to explain how we can draw an inference from the opinion — states will give “full faith and credit” to other states where gay marriage has been deemed legal by the gay state legislatures.   The argument goes that if Louisiana recognizes Deliverance Gone Wild type marriage in Iran, then under the Constitution states will could easily have use this as “persuasive authority” to recognize gay marriage laws of other states.  Gag.

Do you not see your own fallacious post-hoc logic?  Welcome to class sir!

Professor Turley, a brilliant yet empathetic (which is now tantamount to being evil while on Viagra) constitutional law expert at George Washington, would have you believe all states must accept the progressive views of Iran.  Oh Prof!  Your hamartia is exposed for the world to see.

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