Liveblogging Irrelevancy

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9:00  RECAP  Janice had an emergency:  She couldn’t take a dump for seven days.  New Sheriff in town — John Salley.  Name of town: Rockridge.

Welcome To The LiveBlog of “Celebrity” Day 16.

The two hosts are in the jungle with a plasma.

9:03:  John’s first day as captain.  Sanjaya is a dirty pig.  Tell us something we don’t know about that fuckstick.

9:04:  John’s “cracking the whip” according to Holly.  You know, she’s right.  Black men are often pegged with “cracking whips.”  John’s a total cracker.

9:05:  So far, Janice has not pooed.

9:08:  Patti Blagojevich just wiped her behind with a batch of dead crickets.  Whoops.  That was my imagination.

9:09:  Sanjaya needs to fall off a cliff.

9:10:  They are making a slasher flick.  Lou Diamond Phillips just put himself into a sentence with Scorcese, Speilberg, and Stephen Baldwin.

9:12:  Stephen Baldwin needs to make sure Lou Diamond Phillips directs this slasher flick properly.  Thank God.

9:14:  Yes!  Janice calls Torrie Wilson a “brick shithouse.”  False alarm.  I thought she was gonna drop a load.  She just wants to make it with Torrie.  No biggie.  This show rocks.

9:15:  This challenge is called “Snake Strike.”  My money’s on John Salley.

9:16:  UPDATE:  I thought “Snake Strike” meant something else.

9:17:   Just a thought on the whole “brick shithouse” thing:  What if Torrie Wilson and Janice Dickinson were coprophagic lovers?  Two birds, one stone — best show of all time.

9:20:  Challenge.  Yawn.  Let’s get to the scat and God ramblings of Stephen Baldwin.

9:21:  Torrie almost cried.  She has to tell the camp she lost the whole game for the women.  Now they can’t eat.  Poor models.

9:22:  YES!  JANICE TALKS ABOUT FOOD “CLOGGING” HER UP!  And, Sanjaya is about to admit he’s one of the gays on national T.V.  In another shocker, there were a few commercials between segments.

Did I mention I’m broadcasting from the ocean?

9:29:  John Salley is psychoanalyzing the sexuality of Sanjaya.  He is the “straight gay best friend.”  Huh?  The pretty blond girl is coming on to him and he stays in a hammock.  Wait, he may be gay.  He is “insulting” to the gay community.   Sanjaya proclaims he “is not a macho guy” but, is attracted to women and gay people are awesome but he likes women and he likes gay men so… as he protests to Patti Blago and finally exclaims, “Exactly.”  Blago cleared that mess up.

Here is the gay breakdown vote for Sanjaya:  Janice: Gay  Cube: Gay:  Holly: Gay  Lou Diamond Phillips: Gay Patti Blago: Gay  … speculation Stephen Baldwin: “Fixable.”

8:35:  Back on the Eastern Seaboard.  Patti’s wrist is hurting in this challenge where slime oozes onto contestants as they dangle over a pit of mud.  Sanjaya seems to like the ooze.  And the rod he is clinging to…

Once again, Sanjaya leaves the audience perplexed as he releases the staff with goo and intentionally loses the challenge.  Confusing us all.  Lou wins.  Stephen Baldwin threatens to “rip [someones] esophagus out” Roadhouse homage without question.  Nice touch.

8:43:  The Celebrity Slasher Movie:  A Stephen Baldwin Production.  A Lou Diamond Phillips Film.  No wonder these stains can’t find a job.  UPDATE: THE FILM IS SAVED!  A CONSTIPATION JOKE FOR JANICE!

8:45:  Stephen Baldwin praises Sanjaya’s performance and overall production quality of a film he produced.  Patti Blago is sadly pigeonholed into a role of laundering and whitewashing.

8:47:  Sanjaya is parading around like an off key munchkin from Oz with a Mohawk.  Baldwin threatens to go all Roadhouse on his Adam’s Apple.  I am having existential concerns.  Aside from taking the fucking time to write this, let alone watch this, I could have been ruling the world.

8:55:  It is time for John to face his toughest task thus far:  Sexual Asphyxiation.

8:57:  John chose immunity.  Smart move considering that other guy…

THE PHONE LINES ARE OPEN NOW!

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3 Responses to “Liveblogging Irrelevancy”

  1. Louis IX KingofFrawnce Says:

    hahahahahha stop! stopit!
    my brother told me he saw this show.
    they need to get john waters to direct the poop scene.
    “how much is that doggie in the window…..”

  2. Cube Says:

    Holy shit. A Pink Flamingos reference and knowledge of an important word.

  3. Louis IX KingofFrawnce Says:

    hahahahah
    mon dieu,
    we all went to church after seeing pink flamingos.
    (Toulouse St Theatre/it’s a bar now.)
    talk about the surprised looks on the faces of the congregation.
    then we dicided to show it at school and it got approved because the counselor thought it was a nature film.
    confiscation ensued.
    hahahahahhah

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