Eat Me!

November 11, 2009

lampoon

So I landed a gig writing for National Lampoon.  I must say, it’s surreal working for them and I feel somewhat out of place considering I’m not even close to being in the league of John Belushi.  That being said, I do have one thing going for me…  I’m not dead.

Hope to see you folks over there and at some random point, I’ll be revamping the show entirely.

Going Rouge – The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring and Activity Book

October 22, 2009

palinrouge

(Me find this from a link on Indecision about another Sarah Palin book.)

Finally, a political novel bold with (seventies-ish) color.  A masterpiece, with penetrating insight into the inner workings of the Sarah Palin thinking machine.  A veritable triumph and metaphor for a world, no, an America where you can crayon everywhere.

C’mon, you don’t want to create the appearance that you condone or support Sarah Palin by purchasing crap you KNOW will be piled high in the $3 book bin in a few months, do you? Instead, order a classic, collectible Palin book – one that hasn’t even been colored in yet – one that’s not just a buncha words, it’s got pictures!

And, it has neato cut-outs for the little ones…

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What’d He Say? He Said The President Is Near! The Tax On Secret Service

October 20, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

A “secret memo” from a noted left-wing liberal organization (The Fiendish Congressional Research Service) was unearthed and indicated that death threats against President Obama have increased somewhere in the neighborhood of four-hundred percent. Give or take.

Glenn Beck and his supporters must loudly protest this tax and interference of government interference by the government:

The unprecedented number of death threats against President Obama, a rise in racist hate groups, and a new wave of antigovernment fervor threaten to overwhelm the US Secret Service, according to government officials and reports, raising new questions about the 144-year-old agency’s overall mission.

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But Chicago Has This! The Wieners Circle (VSFW)

October 2, 2009

The Wieners Circle is a fine eating establishment in Chicago known for excellent food, ethnic diversity, and friendly service.  The plan was to base the Olympic Village around this classic Chi-Town eatery.  Hindsight’s 20/20 as they say…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(via funniness)

We should have sent the jaggoffs from the IOC who rejected Chicago to The Wieners Circle for a burger with a side of pussy juice.

Share! Or be a bum. It’s cool.

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Never Assume Anything! Polanski & The Law

September 29, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(Picture quality is off, but kindly listen.  Great scene from the Paper Chase)

Hello!  You know, with Mackenzie Phillips in the news for her decade long affair with Re-Run (did I say “Re-Run?”  I meant her dad), it seems only fitting we fill yet another void — the misunderstood case of Roman Polanski.

I’ve read and watched all the brilliant punditry in a full symphonic chorus.  The minds of most simply ask that Polanski’s testicles be sliced and Scotch-taped to his forehead.  And the like.  It’s as if they want him to have two noses.

Anyhoo, I can understand that!  I mean, he kind of RAPED a little girl.  And, as we all know, claiming RAPE is wrong is a most difficult argument to espouse.  Tap yourself on the shoulder if you’ve astutely pointed that out.

That said, it’s obvious the sheer visceral and emotional reactions we have to RAPE ought govern our thoughts and lives.  Law be damned.  I mean, we ought ignore the analysis of Jeffery Toobin or attorneys for the Defense.  Why even examine Polanski’s legal contentions?  The public, the brilliant legal experts all who went to Harvard Law, made up their minds.  Good enough for me!  Certainly  judges (or, humans) do not cower to pressures of the masses.  No need to worry about that.

Hell.  Lock this pedophile up and throw away the key and toilet bowl. I mean really, can’t we all assume Polanski’s legal defense is the runoff of hogwash after a bout with a rotten trough of bad apples?  Elementary my dear Watsons!  In the wise words of Sherlock Holmes, “This is a dead end and the Constable solved the entire motherfucking case.”

But, just for shits and giggles, for those who do not want to assume and can admit they don’t know all of the facts, for folks who can follow the law and blind themselves to grotesque admissions, for you heartless high-tech robots who must only be able to analyze law, I offer you this:

A California judge yesterday refused to approve a request filed by director Roman Polanski’s lawyers to have his child sex case dropped as long as he is still a fugitive.

The 75-year-old famed moviemaker, who pleaded guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl in 1977, must appear in court personally to have his motion considered.

After watching the HBO documentary on the Roman Polanski case, “Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired,” which aired in June, Superior Court Judge Peter Espinoza agreed there was misconduct by the now-deceased judge who arranged a plea bargain but reneged on it.

The judge said he would be willing to reconsider his decision only if Polanski, who fled the United States for France in 1978 after pleading guilty to unlawful sex with an underage girl charges, returned to a Los Angeles courtroom by May 7.

“Having reviewed all the evidence in this case, there was substantial misconduct that occurred in the pendency of this case,” said Espinoza. But he said that if Polanski wants a ruling on that underlying issue, “He just needs to submit to the jurisdiction of this court.”

Uh-oh.  Looks like a judge thinks Polanski got screwed on a plea deal.  Screw him!  Polanski raped someone; time we gang rape the law.  That makes sense to you.  I mean me.

Do I know all of the facts on the Polanski case?  No.  Does the media?  By and large, the media jumped on the pithy Hollywood defenders of the holy (citing Woody Allen as a source.  You know him.  The director/writer who boned and married his wife’s daughter.  It’s like Kramer being a frontman for the NAACP.  Christ).   The media simply ignores, (aside from Anderson Cooper and (drumroll) Lou Dobbs) the legal arguments.

A clipping from AP briefly explains judicial and prosecutorial misconduct and some other facts the media did not examine yesterday.   Anyone even know Polanski already did time for a plea he entered into?

THE CASE:

The Poland-born Polanski was initially indicted on six felony counts, including rape and sodomy, and faced up to life in prison. He pleaded guilty to one count — unlawful sexual intercourse — and spent 42 days in prison for diagnostic tests. Polanski was expected to be sentenced to time served, but he became aware that Judge Laurence J. Rittenband wouldn’t approve the plea agreement and the director fled to France. The U.S. placed a fugitive warrant on Polanski in 1978.

THE AFTERMATH:

Polanski’s attorneys have sought to dismiss the case following the release of the HBO documentary “Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired,” which raised questions about judicial and prosecutorial misconduct. The film contends Rittenband, who has since died, was improperly consulted by a prosecutor not assigned to Polanski’s case about what kind of sentence the film director should receive. While Superior Court Judge Peter Espinoza earlier this year found there was “substantial misconduct” in the handling of the original case, he dismissed Polanski’s motion to throw out the case because the director did not appear in court. Polanski risked arrest on a fugitive warrant if he returned to Los Angeles. He has appealed Espinoza’s decision, and a California appellate court is reviewing the case.  (Emphasis Added)

Ought the Swiss extradite Mr. Polanski?  I don’t know.  I only wish to examine all sides — something the Media gets an “F” on.   (Hi There Howard Kurtz).  Media and most persons fail to critically analyze the issues.  Most are lost in the despicable admissions made in contemplation of a plea deal.  How could that not blind you.  It ought not.  That’s the problem.  People already have reached conclusion without familiarizing themselves with the facts.

Rather than out those folks (I would need a new internet anyhow), I encourage those to look at everything with an unbiased eye.  A blind one.  Maybe get a… blindfold.  Is that a metaphor for something?  Echo?

You want to get mad?   If Judge Espinoza is right, get mad at the prosecutor who made the time served deal. If Judge Espinoza is to be believed, your anger ought be directed at the judge who initially approved the deal it seems. After all, what do you think precipitated the original judge and prosecutors to engage in “misconduct?”  Public outcry?  Maybe.  Probably.  Why do you think the deal was nixed?  Pressure.   You don’t cast aside rules in exchange for emotion.

No additional charges exist simply because Polanski fled.   Simply, a warrant was served and only one charge of the original six remain.  The bargain called for a credit for time served sentence (meaning, the time he already did in prison is given credit for and that’s the only stint of jail he would do).  His flight can not act as some fallacious and baseless pretext to amp the original deal up given the circumstances under Judge Espinoza’s logic.  Certainly, he is not looking at the five other charges already dropped as that would violate settled principles of due process and double jeopardy.  No one has argued such insanity.   In a nutshell, that is the gravamen of Polanski’s position.  At a maximum, the most he could get would be some sort of county sentence for a contempt charge and that hasn’t even been brought up yet.  If contempt becomes an issue, there is little bite to state contempt charges.  Simple as that.   As Polanski sits in custody now, his credit for time served accumulating as we speak will vitiate any real jail time he would have to do.   Alternatively,  rarely are contempt proceedings brought for someone skipping a sentencing date, and even if brought, it’s a wash in terms of actual time he will spend in jail relative to the original singular charge plead to.  [Additional note: The proper attack of the defense lies in the validity of the plea deal; to ignore the legal defense and duck the issue raised is willful ignorance]

The prosecutors already dropped five charges where he was looking at life.  That’s not on the table.  He may have to do a few months from now at most (mostly waiting for a disposition).  On the other hand, the Swiss can release Polanski and not extradite him.   Let’s find out truth rather than scream “RAPE” until a reader or viewer gets into a shower and scrubs oneself all bloody like.  The truth is, people who are upset should talk to the L.A. prosecutor.

This is not some tripe Hollywood argument or some nonsense you’d see on the tubes.  It is a legal contention.  One not minimizing the nature of the underlying offense, but one that need not get into that issue to evaluate what is just and fair.  Further, the terrible problem is the media ignores this issue almost entirely.  You didn’t hear about the California judge yesterday by and large. One, unless they were looking for it, didn’t see that Polanski did 46 days in contemplation of a bargain he pleaded to.  The horror is people refuse to acknowledge claims with legal merit in favor of emotion (rightly there by the way) for rape.  The law is the law.  A deal is a deal.  At least examine all sides of the issue — a simple task most do not do.  That’s all I ask.  Look at all of the arguments.

On the one hand, I have a great mistrust that public outrage will bias a result (whatever the truth may be).  Alternatively, America should be brave and tackle this issue in the name of justice — IF all can be objectively honest.  That’s a big “if” though isn’t it?

Never assume anything.  Follow the law.

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Stormtroopers Remember Destruction Of The Death Star

September 14, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

(Via Indecision and “Stormtroopers’ 9/11 – CollegeHumor Video“)

No one thinks of the poor Stormtroopers on the Death Star.  Never our minds on where they were?  What they were doing?  Hmph?

Come to think of it, how did Darth Vader get away?  Maybe he was working for the other side?  Maybe it was all planned out?  By one dark ruler.  Like a conspiracy even.

Stormtroopers!  TRUTH NOW!  StormtroopersTRUTH NOW!

Share! Never Forget! And, Click on the links because… they’re really not too shitty.

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Like Ummm… Good Luck To The Bills

September 11, 2009

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Thank God football season is back.

Howard Stern, a benefactor and collector of fine stutterers, kicked off the NFL season by introducing us to Buffalo Bills cornerback, Ellis Lanksder.  I don’t know how to end this paragraph really, but, I can imagine some parallel between Lanksder’s speech and the way the Bills like ummm… su… su…  su… suck my balls.

Go Miami!

The Secret Plans Of Van Jones Exposed

September 7, 2009

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(H/T Captain Freedom)

Since Van Jones is obviously a Truther, he was either going to infiltrate the Government and expose the 9/11 cover-up, or, Muslim out and fly an airplane into a vagina about 8 miles wide.

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Stimulus Checks Given To Citizens Bounce

August 30, 2009

check

(Fort Lauderdale, Florida) Joeseph Flannigan raced over to the War Memorial Auditorium to pick up his government stimulus check and follow his dream of opening the world’s largest stuffed animal emporium for children.   The South Florida Stimulus Coalition promised him a check for $653 and a heartwarming mantra to bring to the community:  “Helping jump start our economy.”

Joe, a lifelong Republican, invited Cube to join him and evaluate how President Obama’s plan actually worked in the community.  At first, he seemed a bit reluctant, but rationalized throwing his support behind the plan because as  Joe said, he’d “do anything to the kids.”  The burly and jovial lady at reception soothed his anxieties and led him behind a door to receive his free government paycheck.   We wouldn’t see Joe again for over two days.  As we sat there waiting for his return, we noticed over a hundred more citizens check in — and never check out.

They flocked by the dozens to the War Memorial Auditorium, lured by promises of fat stimulus checks. What they got was something else entirely.

In total, more than 100 qualified recipients scheduled appointments last week to see officials with the South Florida Stimulus Coalition in the hopes of a quick buck from a company with the slogan, “Helping jump start our economy.”

But instead, they found Fort Lauderdale police officers. And instead of a stimulus check, they were handcuffed and led off to jail.

Police announced the results Thursday of the two-day sting targeting Fort Lauderdale residents with outstanding warrants: 76 arrests of fugitives wanted for offenses ranging from grand theft to fraud to attempted murder.

Apparently, there was an active arrest warrant for Mr. Flannigan — a “brush with the law” for the unlawful use of a trenchcoat on a children’s playground.

When confronted with the allegation of exposing himself in pubic and masturbating underneath a London Fog, Flannigan demanded his check and told Cube:

“Obama is a Nazi and a socialist.  This is how it starts.  Spreading lies and false promises of hope.  Here’s your ‘Real America.’  Government interference.  By actual government agents!  I for one will not stand to see the destruction of a document I love — The Constitution.  Our Founding Fathers are probably convulsing in their graves.  This is Obamacare?  I want my country back!”

Cube does not take an official position on this case, but does note that an influx of stuffed animals into the economy would certainly stimulate debate.

UPDATE: Our tireless street lawyer (ahem) managed to find one of the 76 folks arrested for trying to cash in on the fake stimulus check in custody this morning.  Shockingly, he is a registered Republican.  However, Cube employees always work in a bipartisan manner.  We took the case pro-bono and the governement entered a nolle prosequi (dropped) for the case — dealing in stolen property, a second degree felony carrying a maximum penalty of fifteen years in Florida State Prison.

The Republican jailbird was happy to admit to being an idiot for believing the stimulus check was real stating, “fool me once, shame on something or another” and, “if it’s too good to be true, that is the question.”   The gentleman allowed me to poke a little fun at him since we did the case for free and all.   He openly admitted to everyone shackled to the chairs in the jury box that even after his warrant was served, and the cops slapped the ‘cuffs on him, all the arrestees still demanded their government stimulus checks (that never existed).  In fact, as the Ft. Lauderdale police transported the lot of them to the County in the paddy-wagon, an actual political debate broke out along with one shanking.    I get some pro-bono credits, the client is free, and he did promise to consider voting for Obama in 2012, but isn’t sure why.

Here is a redacted picture of the disposition where you can see “nolle prosequi” checked off.  Don’t ever say we never helped The Republican Party.

dispo

Unusable Signal: The Return

August 25, 2009

unusable signal

Tonight!  11:00 PM EST.  The Return.  Click here to tune into the best tube show on the tubes.  Basically, I’m gonna kick the shit out of “The Right’s” alleged arguments concerning most everything.  Consider it a Death Show.


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