President Obama, Please Take The Witness Stand!

“Beer here!  Get your ice-cold beer!  How about you sir?  Or you?  Beer?  Please?  Maybe a nice sparkling wine?”

Unless you have been breathing fresh air and enjoying the forgotten frivolities of life over the past week, in one way or another, you’ve made some sort of stand and are caught in the middle of the pop-off at the Cambridge Corral.  President Obama is set to meet with Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley on Thursday for beers at the White House.  All three are poised to shoot the breeze about race relations and learn from this very “teachable moment.”  Ironically, the one person who might be taught a lesson in the law of unwittingly becoming a witness is President Obama.

In this not so tepid climate concerning race relations, police misconduct, and alleged unpleasantness hurled at an officer’s “mama,” there is one kernel of veracity everyone can agree on — President Obama is already in the unique position of personally speaking with both parties.  Without question, Mr. Obama is a witness to statements made by both Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates.

This raises a somewhat novel question left unaddressed by every major and minor media outlet in the world (yes, this is a Cube exclusive) — will Obama have to produce sworn testimony as a witness at some point should the legal napalm drop?  Yes.

The president is privy to conversations which would absolutely be relevant to any sort of lawsuit launched by either party.  Crowley stated he is contemplating suing Gates for “defamation.” Certainly, Gates has a plethora of options if he decides to sue Crowley and the Cambridge Police Department.

The constitutional implications of a sitting president being compelled to testify as a non-party witness (in deposition, interrogatories, or actual live testimony should a trial ensue) are, at a minimum, murky. Issues with regard to immunity would probably arise at the behest of any White House Counsel worth a darn, however, this is not a case where the President is being sued or charged with a crime — he is a witness.  This much, one can easily conclude.  Furthermore, whether his testimony is taken during or after his term is not an issue.  At some point, should a lawsuit hit the court files, President Obama will be a witness.  Statements by the parties are unquestionably discoverable under the rules of civil procedure (both federal and state).

As luck would have it, we can look to the case of William Jefferson Clinton v. Paula Courbin Jones for some guidance.  In fact, we can go all the way back to the treason case of Aaron Burr when he popped a cap in Alexander Hamilton and killed him in a pistol duel to the death.  While not on all fours and barking, Clinton v. Jones speaks to this and other matters concerning the sworn testimony of a sitting president.  Justice Stevens cites a few examples of such in our rich history:

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Why Officer Crowley Should Be Fired

You are not you today.  Today you are someone else.  Tabula Rasa.

Today, you are going to jail.

Sometime after noon,  you will be handcuffed, arrested, taken from your family, your home, booked, photographed, fingerprinted, and imprisoned before you can bond out after four hours of police custody.

To take this journey, you will need to bring a few things other than a toothbrush.  You must bring your imagination.  You will have to leave matters of race, politics, and other mind-benders behind that poison the contents of your cranium.

You must make decisions on what is just and fair from behind a veil of ignorance.

In taking up this point of view, we are to imagine ourselves in the position of free and equal persons who jointly agree upon and commit themselves to principles of social and political justice. The main distinguishing feature of the original position is “the veil of ignorance”: to insure impartiality of judgment, the parties are deprived of all knowledge of their personal characteristics and social and historical circumstances.

In this hypothetical journey, forget about politics.  Blind yourself behind the veil — a construct by which society can reach reasonable, just, and fair conclusions.  Race is irrelevant.  Party identity is not and can not be an issue.  All we know is you are a person who will be arrested shortly.

The President Is Not Color Blind

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President Obama “clarified” his comment concerning a Cambridge police officer and retreated from his initial position.  This proves once and for all Obama’s twisted agenda and preference for a particular color…

Yellow.

Red State’s Erick Erickson: “Ted Kennedy Plots Our Deaths”

40 years ago tomorrow, Man landed on the moon.  Yesterday, we found proof that non-intelligent life forms blog from there.

Consider this a thread for black-hearted conspirators to “plot” murder.  Consider the Red State “open thread” a cyber-garden of free love and bad acid.

Paul McCartney Rooftop Concert On Letterman

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In a statement released after Paul’s gig atop The Ed Sullivan Theater, Sarah Palin accused The Beatles of being “Commie lovers of the former U.S.S.R.” and  “statutory gang-raping a caribou with a flute.”

Bull Semen Hair Care

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They say bull sperm provides a scientifically significant amount of protein to provide rich, luxurious, hair.  In today’s economy, I really think this is appalling, unnecessary, and done without any consent by bulls to involuntarily masturbate them.

I would  be willing and fully consent to shoot a load in your hair.  For a much lesser price.

Try my product.

Red Sox Nation Hires The Iron Sheik To Lead PR Team — Challenges A-Rod

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(Sheik starts at the :20 mark)

Have you been wondering what The Iron Sheik is up to aside from the occasional toot of crack and fighting with a stoned midget?   I have.

The Boys Of Summer make their way back to the freshly manicured grass for the second half of the season and The Iron Sheik takes on his new duties as head of PR for Red Sox Nation.  We’d respectfully like to take this time to clearly express The Nation is not homophobic and promotes gay rights.

Therefore, we do encourage Sheiky Baby to “fuck [Alex Rodriguez] in the ass with a beer bottle,” “challenge” George Steinbrener to an arm-wrestling match, and place the entire city of New York in a Camel Clutch to “fuck them in the ass and make them humble.”

Go Red Sox!

Popping “Downers,” “Quaaludes,” And “Sotomayor” On Hardball With Chris Mathews

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Chris Matthews “shouldn’t have said that.”  I mean comparing The Senate Judiciary Hearing and Judge Stomayor to “Quentin Quaalude” is really an unfair statement. Even worse is Pulitzer Prize winning communist and celebrated African-American writer, Eugene Robinson, speculating whether they were on “downers.”  Pat Buchanan is drug free, but his typical sane self.

I mean, Matthews should know the majority of his audience requires some form of a heavy narcotic ingestion when watching the show and Robinson should be more sensitive to the triumph of Diprivan.

“You got “Ludes?”

“No.”

“But I wish I had some ya’ know?”

Poll after the jump…

Pat Buchanan: “Until The Thrashing Stops!”

Pat’s awesome.  Palin should take her money from the big Meth deal and recent booking on the Morton Downey, Jr. show and use it to  hire Buchanan as Chief of Staff.   He brings too much liberal bias to MSNBC — a noted Separatist blog.

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Yes.  This Blog is pro-drowning.

Liveblogging The Sotomayor Hearing: Part Dos Holmes!

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Vatos!  You can watch the confirmation here live (I hope) at 9:30 AM (EST).  Justice (non-Freudian slip) Sotomayor’s judicial philosophy is “simple.  Fidelity to the law.”  Much like Governor Sanford: “Fidelity to an undetermined amount of vaginas not belonging to his wife.”  Feel free to follow along as I use my Jedi legal skills to explain the philosophy of noted mathematician, Senator Kyl.

9:30 – Sotomayor speaks!  After Leahy washed her down with a luffa.

9:34 – Judge Sotomayor will “keep an open mind.”  By keeping an open mind, she means tar and feathering every last white creature on Planet Earth.

9:36 – Leahy questions the judge on criminal law.  Specifically her job as a D.A. in New York.  This is where she learned to practice law and distinguishes between “fact” and “legal theory.”  She learned about the facts of life at the D.A.  As for me, I learned about the Facts Of Life from Tutti — A hooker on the Boulevard in Miami… but that’s not important right now.

9:40 – Sotomayor, as a prosecutor, relates a case about murder cases and the impact on the victim’s family.  Obviously, this was not used for any sort of emotional impact and is consistent with sympathy, not empathy.  She also gets into evidence code.  Specifically, using evidence for purposes of establishing identity in a criminal case (murder).  To be even more specific, she is talking about relevancy under FRE 404, identity, and modus operandi.  Nevermind all that, she busted down a murderer and that’s just… awful.

9:45 – Leahy goes on to the Ricci case.  A/K/A The White Firefighters Case.  In law, we call this a preemptive strike or stealing thunder.   In the Senate, I call it the same thing.  Leahy is trying to take wind out of the sails from the likes of Sessions, Kyl, and to a lesser extent other Republican senators who are pussies and afraid to bring it up for fear of losing the Hispanic vote.  Nevermind this is not an issue worth intellectual discussion, it is an issue that is sexy.  And when I say “sexy,” I mean “sexy” in a Morton Downey, Jr. after 300 cigarettes smoking corpse kind of sexy.

9:50 – Sotomayor is ready to pounce on Leahy and answer questions before before he finishes asking it.  Leahy is a noted Right-Wing Bible Thumper.

9:55 – The judge has learned to control her Tourette’s by scribling down what I’m postive are doodles of white men swinging by a noose so as not to interrupt Leahy.

9:56 – OK!  Her answer to her statement concerning “Funky Wise Latinas.”  She wanted young Latina women to be inspired.  Unequivocally, she believes all ethnicities or groups have equal opportunities.  She further states she will be fair and impartial and that her words were taken out of context.  She goes onto cite to Justice O’Connor (why I don’t know) as a means for garnering credibility.  I have to say, this is shocking.  Seriously, I really thought she would say, “OK.  Let me be honest.  I’m tired of fucking crackers.  Eat me.”

10:00 – The Heller case!  Guns baby!  Sotomayor moves on to the Second Amendment!  She is talking about “The Incorporation Doctrine.”  Whether the Second Amendment is incorporated to the states visa vis the 14th Amendment.   Unless you are a lawyer, you have no idea what she is talking about.  Basically, she will keep an “open mind” and will not “prejudge” this issue.  To translate, we will have to move to slingshots.  And now… of to discussion with Leahy about prostitutes.  Can’t think of joke here.

10:04 – Senator Sessions at the plate.  He will have different questions than Leahy I suspect.  Probably softballs, cotton candy, and a square-dance.  He does like “fidelity.”  Just like (Insert Politician Here).

10:06 – “Funky Wise Latina” line of inquiry by Sessions.  Also, he delves into the  “policy” remark by Sotomayor.  He wants to know what she really believes, because, as we all know, this entire chamber is devoted to what people really believe.  I know.  I’m optimistic.

10:08 – Sotomayor responds to “policy” remark she made at Duke.  She explains precedent and stare decisis.  Precedent has policy implications.  For example, should Justice Thomas’ dissent have held the day on the children strip search case, the policy implication would be schools could search the anal cavities of younglings without the consent of parent or child.  Sessions must be right.  Supreme Court decisions do not have policy implications.

“Life experiences” are important says the judge.  We are not “robots.”  People have “feelings and experiences.”

Sessions “understands that” but for some reason he just gave her the stink eye.

Ed. Note: There are cyborgs everyone discriminates against.  CYBORG POWER.

10:15 – “The law is what commands the result.”  No.  Dick Cheney does that.