The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill All The Lawyers


Off with their heads!  I hate  lawyers.

Maybe I should quote the oft-misinterpreted Shakespeare line and use it as a title for this upcoming piece of stellar prose.  As you can see if you are into reading headlines, I have done just that.

”The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers,” was stated by Dick the Butcher in ”Henry VI,” Part II, act IV, Scene II, Line 73. Dick the Butcher was a follower of the rebel Jack Cade, who thought that if he disturbed law and order, he could become king. Shakespeare meant it as a compliment to attorneys and judges who instill justice in society.

Tommy Christopher, a writer and White House Correspondent for AOL’s Politics Daily, as well as Chairman and CEO of Daily Dose, penned an article concerning the blusterings of a lawyer representing some stakeholders in Chrysler.  As you can imagine, the lawyer has some clients who might be upset considering their investments turned out to not be so safe.  In fact, the attorney claims The White House threatened to use “The Full Force of The White House Press Corps” against one of his clients.  As a point of fact, most members of The White House, and their henchmen, The Press Corps (like Tommy), are skilled in mixed martial arts and handy with nunchucks.

As far as the “threat” Lauria [the attorney representing the “stakeholders”] alleges, it sounds an awful lot like someone told his client that public opinion would not likely be favorable to people who would obstruct a fair deal to save Chrysler. That’s not a threat, it is a reality. It’s no more a “threat” than John McCain’s campaign promise to make earmarkers “famous.”

Lauria is basically engaging in an overheated closing argument, twisting and omitting facts as he sees fit, and reporting an unsourced paraphrase. I imagine my lawyer friend would level many objections, including “Assumes facts not in evidence.”

For a more thorough look at the legal aspects of Lauria’s claims, from the “threat” to “abuse of power,” check out Cubic Politics.

The lawyer must act zealously to defend his or her client.  Yes.  We have a license to bullshit, so long as we remain within the confines of the rules of ethics.  Is that somehow inconsistent?  Not really.  I had an opportunity to listen to the attorney on audio, and I must say,  the man is a master of manure.

You cannot be serious!   “Threats” to clients?  Made at the behest of the Obama Administration?  There is an objection Tommy correctly refers to as “assuming facts not in evidence.”  On the internet, while not in Black’s Law Dictionary, there is another objection.  The kind of objection one might cough in court.  “Counsel is testifying.”  Yes.  That’s the one I was thinking of.  And, you can use that one in court and cyberspace.

The investors got the shaft.  Ok.  However, if there were a “threat,” there ought be something more than the mere cries of some lawyer on the radio.  I mean, let him whine in a real forum.  Like the Internet.  Or bankruptcy court.

How dare the lawyer take the case to court?  I mean clearly, the appropriate forum for bankruptcy claims are um… BANKRUPTCY COURT!  The lawyer makes a serious and bogus allegation.  Why?  If he were correct, he has a duty to report this to the police or other executive agency for charges of witness tampering or intimidation by threat or force.  That is what the fine barrister said.   Someone threatened his client.

Plenty of federal crimes cover this area.  That no such charges exist is proof in the puddle of tears his clients have.

Neither President Obama, nor his administration, do anything to violate “The Separation Of Powers Doctrine,” contract law, or anything in the Constitution.  Absent from the lawyers rightful partisan rant on behalf of his clients, is one explanation of how President Obama does anything improper, let alone, illegal.

Here’s the skinny:  The lawyer is representing clients who lost money because they invested in Chrysler.  Of course they are upset.  Guess what their remedy is?  Bankruptcy court.  The judge there, as Obama stated, will deal with the issues of secured creditors.  There’s an old saying in law, even in the bad wind of law: “first in time, first in right.”  The line of creditors knocking on Chrysler’s dented door will be sorted out by a judge.  It’s that simple.

The government engages in private contracts everyday.  If a company goes belly up, like Chrysler, the investors are at the whims of bankruptcy court.  That’s the law, and that’s exactly what is happening.  Further, if in negotiations prior to bankruptcy these folks wanted to make a deal with Chrysler, they could have.  They chose not to.  Chrysler chose to use the government as a means to secure its business.  When folks invested in Chrysler, they invested in their decisions.

If one does not like taking risks, they should probably not be in the business of risk taking: investing.  He might also want to read “The Tough Shit Clause.”

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9 Responses to “The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill All The Lawyers”

  1. Missouri DWI Attorney Says:

    I understand your argument, however, not all attorneys fall into this category. It is our job to protect the rights or our clients, not manipulate the laws. As for bankruptcy laws, it isn’t our job to write the laws, only follow there guidelines. Good arguments though, you should take the Bar 🙂

    • Cube Says:

      Sir or Madame, I’ve been a practicing trial attorney doing far more than DUI’s for over a decade. As for you, I think you should reread the article. As I stated, an attorney has a duty to advocate zealously for his or her client within the bounds of ethics. Perhaps you should retake the bar. What you might called “manipulating” is a straw man. What do you think the lawyer in this case is doing. I say zealous advocacy. Go read Bierce and the definition of lawyer. Our job is to use the law to beat other laws and fight. Within ethics. I fight hard as hell for my guys and girls. Wtihin the realm of ethiscs. Am I cognizant of bullshit? Of course. But, you stay within the rules of ethics. C’mon. Go read Oliver Wendell Holmes.

      I’ve tried so many DUI cases I can do the exercises blindfolded. Also, look up the word “hyperbole.”

      As for bankruptcy laws, you are wrong. It’s not our job to write them. The legislature writes the laws last I checked. There might be committees, but, that makes no sense. Have you tried any murder cases? Or just misdemeanors? But, this is a comedy blog, and, if you had perhaps read the article I was asked to write as a legal expert, you would learn a few things. You fail, utterly, to comment on the substance of the post. Other than to say I make a good argument and speculate on what you don’t know.

      Remember what they said on your first day of law school. Don’t assume anything.

      Don’t know why your article was spammed. Sorry for the rant, however, I’m kind of right. Also, more people read my site than the stank dui firm you are trolling for on a comedy blog. Loser. I’ll go back to fart jokes.

  2. Cube Says:

    Hey, sorry, I’ve been off booking Gladstone and wrapping with him. This is actually an awesome find Tommy made. Well, not just me, but, picking this apart. It’s actually important. Hope you guys check it out.

    More to come on Gladstone.

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