Posts Tagged ‘Glen Beck’

Checking Into “Stupid” Rehab

August 16, 2009

Egats!  Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer America is “stupid.”

Like, Duh…

Yes.  America stumbles about in a drunken stupor.  We urinate words on the internets, collectively belch at town hall meetings (which hardly are held in towns or halls), and joust at windmills daily when Quixote himself would turn around and gallop to the nearest Diprivan factory.  Sweet Milk Of Amnesia — maybe MJ had it right.

I’ll try not to take such a pessimistic or existentialist view here.  Whether low-grade morons can be restored (they can’t) to a functioning level complete with cognitive processes, synapses, dendrites, and the proper firing of neurons is not for me to decide.  In any event, the humongo upward spike on the stupidity scale really doesn’t matter.  Does it?  In fact, it’s probably not even there.  Maybe everyone’s all Einstein, all the time, on all matters.  However, just in case we’re not all operating on an E=MC2 stratosphere, I think it wise to formulate some kind of plan.  A plan to fix the stupid dumb-dumbs.  Like me.

We should focus on being productive, honest, and straightforward members of America.  Everyone’s doing it!  I so desperately want to get on the road to Wellville.  As I write, I realize there’s no need to harp on the similarities between proctology and neurology while looking at a culture of the American brain in a petri dish.  That would be rude.  I will try a softer approach.  One not elitist in any way.

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting to having one — we’re all shit heads.  No Amy Weinhouse defenses for this pillar of the blog community.  I’m taking this country to “stupid” rehab.

Those who rightly claim to know everything (because they clearly do) can leave the group and go about their smarty-pants lives.  Sorts of this variety are too intellectually honest and need read no further.

I only have time for Step One for those willing to press on.  Go to your favorite social networking site or gulag and introduce yourself.  Here’s an example:  “Hello.  My name’s Cube.  I’m an American.  I’m stupid.”

Wow!  That was like Zest for my skull innards.  You know that shower one takes after a night of debauchery?  A particular shower used to cleanse  yourself from multiple elixirs and bodily fluids which travelled ungodly distances, got on your suit, and somehow hit the ceiling fan?  That shower.  It feels so good.  Hose yourself down.  Admit you are stupid.  Come clean.

Only after admitting your problem will you see “facts” are now called “tweets” and keyboards alone are intrinsically capable of springing truth everlasting.

America deserves this vision.   Just take that first step with me.  Admit to being dim and you will see the light I like to call Salvation.

I offer no apologies.  I know I know nothing.  But at least I know that.

So, rinse off them beanies and weenies and you too will see clearly!  Once you have vision and perspective, you’ll be able to have intelligent conversations with super smart people like Palin supporters, mighty Red Staters, Ditto Heads, and Glen Beck ball suckers.

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Talking Points: Socialist, Racist, Fill in The Blank(ist)

May 29, 2009

We know Judge Sonia Sotomayor is a Socialist.  Proved that right here on Cube.  But, did you know she’s a racist?

Sotomayor’s a card-carrying, cross-burning, tar and feathering,  hooded Hispanic female in the Klu Klux Klan who must be stopped.  Like, the time has come and shit.  Execute Order 66.

It’s filibuster time.


Liveteablogging Glen Beck’s Effort To Thwart Testicular Cancer

April 15, 2009


5:05:  Glen Beck does not give a “flying crap” about Republicans or Democrats.  Tell us something we don’t know fuckface.

5:09:  BREAKING:  GLEN BECK TELLS TED NUGENT HE’S SEXY!  Then he dunks his testicle into his mouth.

5:11: Look at that microphone Pat Gray is gripping.

5:13:  YES A RON PAUL SUPPORTER!  It starts with the FED if you ask him.  Too bad he can’t fucking spell it.  Actually, this guy is great!  He hurts the G.O.P.  Fox is retarded.

5:14  Remember The Alamo!  But pray for a drug induced coma when listening to this stain.

5:15:  OK.  Beck is basically arguing with the crowd and trying to steer them on point.  OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!  Socialism.  Neil Cavuto in a split screen with Beck is like an orgy of bedpans.  Even Beck can’t get Cavuto to answer his leading questions.  Don’t worry.  The Answer is NEXT!

5:19:  Oh.  I should probably tell you this.  Glen Beck is on MSNBC.

5:20:  FOX runs a “Preparation H” Ad.  Need I say more?


5:23:  Why is The Alamo significant?  We’ll never know because fucksticks run the soundboard at FOX.

5:24:  Yeah.  Hold that big, black, rod baby.

5:25:  From the crowd, “mmmmmph.”

5:25:  “I have a feeling something big is growing at the Tea Party.”  — Glen Beck.  This really is too easy.

5:26:  Time for an alleged bong hit.  I hope my writing does not start to seem paranoid.

5:30:  Damn Jimmy!  You changed!


5:33:  I am saddened.  Penn just showed up.  “A quintessential libertarian”  This guy is an Aristocrat.  Now I know why he’s there.

5: 36:  No one is here.  I’m switching sides.  Suck my balls.

5:40:   Jannie Turner.  “Hollywood Star.”  She’s up there with Meryl Streep.

5:41:  Beck is talking about Sarah Palin.  This means 40 new stories for Tommy.

5:43   Joe Horn.  Not the football player.  The one who looks like an old, hick, version of “Corky.”

5:45:  Ted Nugent just shot a load upon learning Joe Horn shot some people at his house.  The crowd immediatley engages in a massive Roman orgy with lube, fucking, sucking, tea-bagging, Rusty Trombones, Strawberry Shortcakes, Dirty Sanchezes (is that how to pluralize that?), Reach Arounds, and velvet carpets with Rush Limbaugh’s fat head on it.

5:47:  Please support your local Girl Scout Chapter.

5:48:  In case you are tuning in later, I’m on my alleged 13th bong hit.  “Cat Scratch Fever.”  PUMA POWER!

5:50:  Beck “Time for people to drop the party.”  Jizz in my pants.  Beck to Penn:  “IS THIS TIME FOR A THIRD PARTY?”  Yes it is.  I’m sure the G.O.P. is loving it.  Like I loved that crab infestation in my pubes last September.

5:54:  I cannot get mad at Pen.  He is the producer of my favorite documentary, “The Aristocrats.”  He is also the producer of my favorite literary creature:  IRONY.

End of Glen Beck Show Thoughts:  The show was produced horribly.  Sound was off.  Message was offer.  Nugent was offest.

Glen Beck would ask that you look to your neighbor, introduce yourself, keep the spirit going, and  SUCK CUBE’S BALLS BITCHES!

Please feel free to comment on my comments of Glen Beck’s show.  I will post some of the videos of it later.   That double negatvie title is slowly beggining to make sense to me.

BTW:  Fuck you Internet.  See you in DSM V.