President Obama ate some ice cream with his daughter. It should come as no surprise The Right contends the Earth might stop spinning on its axis and foreign policy decisions made while eating said cream will cast us all to Hades.
Look at this tasty TWEET!
@Moe Lane (retard) says, “New blog post: :Looking at the ice cream story” Awwwww Shit! Moe’s gonna go all “Ice Cream” on President Obama. He’s like a modern day Saint Thomas Aquinas. Solidarity Ho!
Here at Cube, our ethics policy requires honest reporting, unique perspectives, and unfiltered, unbiased prose destined to cut through the gobbledygook of Main Stream Media. Janice Dickinson, model and celebrity in NBC’s, “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here,” had to get out of there. I mean, real bad. The poor lady couldn’t take a dump for seven days straight.
Without pause, the Emmy nominators better loosen that stuffy persona and nominate Ms. Dickinson for best acting while having to take a really huge shit. Half of the show last night focused on Janice’s “distended” belly and a blockage of poo in her colon. A timely close-up of fellow celeb Sanjaya Malakar portrayed his compassion as he tried to massage the cement-like mix of rice and beans through her digestive system. Mrs. Blago, often portrayed as some sort of villain in the media, had nothing but empathy for this brown mound lost somewhere hopefully near the anal cavity of my new-found favorite celebrity (who likes to talk about G.I. issues without remorse).
In a shocking turn of events, despite trying to gut it out, ambulances had to take Ms. Dickinson away after she vomited all over the rainforest in Costa Rica. While she claimed she wasn’t “practicing” her modeling skills, I had the feeling Janice was doing the profession proud.
It was announced she had a viral infection as she was whisked away by an ambulance coupled with a riveting grainy scene of a slow-motion I.V. drip. But, they never told us whether she evacuated.
The show? She came back. And tomorrow night, we are left to decide my hero’s fate. Her stool? Compacted chance outstanding.
I had been lackadaisical in my coverage of Janice’s bodily functions up to this point. I have poop-scooped my non-arch nemesis, Jezebel. In an article entitled, “Janice Dicinson Pisses Where She Sleeps” they (like me) hit us with the cold hard facts:
Janice woke up in the middle of the night, squat beside her bed, and peed in the middle of the group’s camp. Later, she threatened to take a shit on Daniel Baldwin’s pillow.
Video after the jump…
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