Posts Tagged ‘Liveblog’

Liveblogging The Sotomayor Hearing: Part Dos Holmes!

July 14, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Vatos!  You can watch the confirmation here live (I hope) at 9:30 AM (EST).  Justice (non-Freudian slip) Sotomayor’s judicial philosophy is “simple.  Fidelity to the law.”  Much like Governor Sanford: “Fidelity to an undetermined amount of vaginas not belonging to his wife.”  Feel free to follow along as I use my Jedi legal skills to explain the philosophy of noted mathematician, Senator Kyl.

9:30 – Sotomayor speaks!  After Leahy washed her down with a luffa.

9:34 – Judge Sotomayor will “keep an open mind.”  By keeping an open mind, she means tar and feathering every last white creature on Planet Earth.

9:36 – Leahy questions the judge on criminal law.  Specifically her job as a D.A. in New York.  This is where she learned to practice law and distinguishes between “fact” and “legal theory.”  She learned about the facts of life at the D.A.  As for me, I learned about the Facts Of Life from Tutti — A hooker on the Boulevard in Miami… but that’s not important right now.

9:40 – Sotomayor, as a prosecutor, relates a case about murder cases and the impact on the victim’s family.  Obviously, this was not used for any sort of emotional impact and is consistent with sympathy, not empathy.  She also gets into evidence code.  Specifically, using evidence for purposes of establishing identity in a criminal case (murder).  To be even more specific, she is talking about relevancy under FRE 404, identity, and modus operandi.  Nevermind all that, she busted down a murderer and that’s just… awful.

9:45 – Leahy goes on to the Ricci case.  A/K/A The White Firefighters Case.  In law, we call this a preemptive strike or stealing thunder.   In the Senate, I call it the same thing.  Leahy is trying to take wind out of the sails from the likes of Sessions, Kyl, and to a lesser extent other Republican senators who are pussies and afraid to bring it up for fear of losing the Hispanic vote.  Nevermind this is not an issue worth intellectual discussion, it is an issue that is sexy.  And when I say “sexy,” I mean “sexy” in a Morton Downey, Jr. after 300 cigarettes smoking corpse kind of sexy.

9:50 – Sotomayor is ready to pounce on Leahy and answer questions before before he finishes asking it.  Leahy is a noted Right-Wing Bible Thumper.

9:55 – The judge has learned to control her Tourette’s by scribling down what I’m postive are doodles of white men swinging by a noose so as not to interrupt Leahy.

9:56 – OK!  Her answer to her statement concerning “Funky Wise Latinas.”  She wanted young Latina women to be inspired.  Unequivocally, she believes all ethnicities or groups have equal opportunities.  She further states she will be fair and impartial and that her words were taken out of context.  She goes onto cite to Justice O’Connor (why I don’t know) as a means for garnering credibility.  I have to say, this is shocking.  Seriously, I really thought she would say, “OK.  Let me be honest.  I’m tired of fucking crackers.  Eat me.”

10:00 – The Heller case!  Guns baby!  Sotomayor moves on to the Second Amendment!  She is talking about “The Incorporation Doctrine.”  Whether the Second Amendment is incorporated to the states visa vis the 14th Amendment.   Unless you are a lawyer, you have no idea what she is talking about.  Basically, she will keep an “open mind” and will not “prejudge” this issue.  To translate, we will have to move to slingshots.  And now… of to discussion with Leahy about prostitutes.  Can’t think of joke here.

10:04 – Senator Sessions at the plate.  He will have different questions than Leahy I suspect.  Probably softballs, cotton candy, and a square-dance.  He does like “fidelity.”  Just like (Insert Politician Here).

10:06 – “Funky Wise Latina” line of inquiry by Sessions.  Also, he delves into the  “policy” remark by Sotomayor.  He wants to know what she really believes, because, as we all know, this entire chamber is devoted to what people really believe.  I know.  I’m optimistic.

10:08 – Sotomayor responds to “policy” remark she made at Duke.  She explains precedent and stare decisis.  Precedent has policy implications.  For example, should Justice Thomas’ dissent have held the day on the children strip search case, the policy implication would be schools could search the anal cavities of younglings without the consent of parent or child.  Sessions must be right.  Supreme Court decisions do not have policy implications.

“Life experiences” are important says the judge.  We are not “robots.”  People have “feelings and experiences.”

Sessions “understands that” but for some reason he just gave her the stink eye.

Ed. Note: There are cyborgs everyone discriminates against.  CYBORG POWER.

10:15 – “The law is what commands the result.”  No.  Dick Cheney does that.



Liveblogging Benedict Arnold

May 3, 2009

While the above “documentary” on Benedict Arnold is quite hysterical, for great insight into his life, watch parts 1 and 2 of the A & E biography.

10:15 AM:  Welcome to the Liveblog of Benedict Arnold: a/k/a Arlen Specter.  I’m sure David Gregory will ask him tough questions — like “how hard was it to beat cancer?”  The cancer question is a toughie.

10:20 AM:  Specter wants a minority to add diversity to the Court.   He does not want a politician to be appointed.  An academic.  A woman.  An African-American.  An Hispanic.  Good thing Specter left the G.O.P.  What an asshole.

10:22 AM:  “Empathy.”  Trying to muster some up for Republicans.  Nope.  Ain’t happening here.


Liveteablogging Glen Beck’s Effort To Thwart Testicular Cancer

April 15, 2009


5:05:  Glen Beck does not give a “flying crap” about Republicans or Democrats.  Tell us something we don’t know fuckface.

5:09:  BREAKING:  GLEN BECK TELLS TED NUGENT HE’S SEXY!  Then he dunks his testicle into his mouth.

5:11: Look at that microphone Pat Gray is gripping.

5:13:  YES A RON PAUL SUPPORTER!  It starts with the FED if you ask him.  Too bad he can’t fucking spell it.  Actually, this guy is great!  He hurts the G.O.P.  Fox is retarded.

5:14  Remember The Alamo!  But pray for a drug induced coma when listening to this stain.

5:15:  OK.  Beck is basically arguing with the crowd and trying to steer them on point.  OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!  Socialism.  Neil Cavuto in a split screen with Beck is like an orgy of bedpans.  Even Beck can’t get Cavuto to answer his leading questions.  Don’t worry.  The Answer is NEXT!

5:19:  Oh.  I should probably tell you this.  Glen Beck is on MSNBC.

5:20:  FOX runs a “Preparation H” Ad.  Need I say more?


5:23:  Why is The Alamo significant?  We’ll never know because fucksticks run the soundboard at FOX.

5:24:  Yeah.  Hold that big, black, rod baby.

5:25:  From the crowd, “mmmmmph.”

5:25:  “I have a feeling something big is growing at the Tea Party.”  — Glen Beck.  This really is too easy.

5:26:  Time for an alleged bong hit.  I hope my writing does not start to seem paranoid.

5:30:  Damn Jimmy!  You changed!


5:33:  I am saddened.  Penn just showed up.  “A quintessential libertarian”  This guy is an Aristocrat.  Now I know why he’s there.

5: 36:  No one is here.  I’m switching sides.  Suck my balls.

5:40:   Jannie Turner.  “Hollywood Star.”  She’s up there with Meryl Streep.

5:41:  Beck is talking about Sarah Palin.  This means 40 new stories for Tommy.

5:43   Joe Horn.  Not the football player.  The one who looks like an old, hick, version of “Corky.”

5:45:  Ted Nugent just shot a load upon learning Joe Horn shot some people at his house.  The crowd immediatley engages in a massive Roman orgy with lube, fucking, sucking, tea-bagging, Rusty Trombones, Strawberry Shortcakes, Dirty Sanchezes (is that how to pluralize that?), Reach Arounds, and velvet carpets with Rush Limbaugh’s fat head on it.

5:47:  Please support your local Girl Scout Chapter.

5:48:  In case you are tuning in later, I’m on my alleged 13th bong hit.  “Cat Scratch Fever.”  PUMA POWER!

5:50:  Beck “Time for people to drop the party.”  Jizz in my pants.  Beck to Penn:  “IS THIS TIME FOR A THIRD PARTY?”  Yes it is.  I’m sure the G.O.P. is loving it.  Like I loved that crab infestation in my pubes last September.

5:54:  I cannot get mad at Pen.  He is the producer of my favorite documentary, “The Aristocrats.”  He is also the producer of my favorite literary creature:  IRONY.

End of Glen Beck Show Thoughts:  The show was produced horribly.  Sound was off.  Message was offer.  Nugent was offest.

Glen Beck would ask that you look to your neighbor, introduce yourself, keep the spirit going, and  SUCK CUBE’S BALLS BITCHES!

Please feel free to comment on my comments of Glen Beck’s show.  I will post some of the videos of it later.   That double negatvie title is slowly beggining to make sense to me.

BTW:  Fuck you Internet.  See you in DSM V.