A Song For The Mob

August 23, 2009

Since conservatives play to the lowest common denominator, critical thinkers must rise above such nonsensical gobbledygook, stand upright on firm moral ground, and beckon them with songs of love…

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If you’re wondering whether I just used this opportune moment in history to play the above song, you’d be wrong.  Trust me.  Simply look at the first sentence in this paragraph as proof of my good faith and time honored conservative logic.

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The Glorious Basterd

August 20, 2009

BarneyBasterd

(H/T Diana via Luke Pattan)

I can imagine the pitch:  “It’s like Kill Bill.  But for Jews.  Starring Barney Frank.”

Children’s Choir Holds Prayer Service For Bob Novak

August 18, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Au Revoir Satani

Revelation 13:17  And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

Revelation 13:18  Here is wisdom.  Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six Hundred threescore and six.

Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak, one of the nation’s most influential journalists, who relished his “Prince of Darkness” public persona, died at home here early Tuesday morning after a battle with brain cancer.

Nazarene!  You have won… Nothing!”  — Bob Novak.

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Checking Into “Stupid” Rehab

August 16, 2009

Egats!  Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer America is “stupid.”

Like, Duh…

Yes.  America stumbles about in a drunken stupor.  We urinate words on the internets, collectively belch at town hall meetings (which hardly are held in towns or halls), and joust at windmills daily when Quixote himself would turn around and gallop to the nearest Diprivan factory.  Sweet Milk Of Amnesia — maybe MJ had it right.

I’ll try not to take such a pessimistic or existentialist view here.  Whether low-grade morons can be restored (they can’t) to a functioning level complete with cognitive processes, synapses, dendrites, and the proper firing of neurons is not for me to decide.  In any event, the humongo upward spike on the stupidity scale really doesn’t matter.  Does it?  In fact, it’s probably not even there.  Maybe everyone’s all Einstein, all the time, on all matters.  However, just in case we’re not all operating on an E=MC2 stratosphere, I think it wise to formulate some kind of plan.  A plan to fix the stupid dumb-dumbs.  Like me.

We should focus on being productive, honest, and straightforward members of America.  Everyone’s doing it!  I so desperately want to get on the road to Wellville.  As I write, I realize there’s no need to harp on the similarities between proctology and neurology while looking at a culture of the American brain in a petri dish.  That would be rude.  I will try a softer approach.  One not elitist in any way.

The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting to having one — we’re all shit heads.  No Amy Weinhouse defenses for this pillar of the blog community.  I’m taking this country to “stupid” rehab.

Those who rightly claim to know everything (because they clearly do) can leave the group and go about their smarty-pants lives.  Sorts of this variety are too intellectually honest and need read no further.

I only have time for Step One for those willing to press on.  Go to your favorite social networking site or gulag and introduce yourself.  Here’s an example:  “Hello.  My name’s Cube.  I’m an American.  I’m stupid.”

Wow!  That was like Zest for my skull innards.  You know that shower one takes after a night of debauchery?  A particular shower used to cleanse  yourself from multiple elixirs and bodily fluids which travelled ungodly distances, got on your suit, and somehow hit the ceiling fan?  That shower.  It feels so good.  Hose yourself down.  Admit you are stupid.  Come clean.

Only after admitting your problem will you see “facts” are now called “tweets” and keyboards alone are intrinsically capable of springing truth everlasting.

America deserves this vision.   Just take that first step with me.  Admit to being dim and you will see the light I like to call Salvation.

I offer no apologies.  I know I know nothing.  But at least I know that.

So, rinse off them beanies and weenies and you too will see clearly!  Once you have vision and perspective, you’ll be able to have intelligent conversations with super smart people like Palin supporters, mighty Red Staters, Ditto Heads, and Glen Beck ball suckers.

Don’t Be Stupid! Share!

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“Real” Mob To Sue “Cafone” Mob For Copyright Infringement

August 9, 2009

gf

(Miami, Florida)  Nothing unites America like a good Mob story — the”real” Mob that is.  On the upscale shuffleboard and bacce ball courts at a retirement community in Miami, I caught up with a few “reformed” old-timers who are fed up with what they consider to be theft of their intellectual property — the word, “Mob.”  As a condition of the interviews, I promised to only use first names, conceal the location of their outdoor activity center, and bring them black and white cookies from the The Rascal House.  I didn’t have the heart to tell the fellas that The Rascal House had closed.  Sage Deli would have to do.

I met Gus and his crew sometime in the late ’70s at The Rascal House as a kid with my Jewish grandpa.  One thing Jews and Italians could always agree on was good food with heaping piles of guilt sauce.  At the time, I didn’t know they were, um, businessmen.  They’re “retired” now, but want to preserve their heritage.  I was up for a game of bacce, but they just wanted to eat in the shade and talk “politics.”

Rawls:  It’s good to see ya Gus.  Boys…

Gus: Thanks for bringin’ the cookies kid.

Rawls: So, this whole Mob lawsuit.  What’s that about?

Gus: Heyyyy.  Are you fucking kidding me?  These cafones think they can just take our name?

Frankie: Yeah.  It’s ours.

Gus: That’s right.  We’re taking them to court.

Rawls: So let me get this straight, you’re suing protesters at the Town Hall Meetings for stealing the word “Mob?”

Nunzio:  We’re reformed.

Frankie: Yeah.  Reformed.

Gus: These people on T.V.  They’re not “The Mob.”

Nunzio: Scemos.

Gus:  An insult.

Rawls: Why a lawsuit?

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“Moo Means No!” — Cow Testifies Against Officer Who Raped Her

August 5, 2009

cow

Official Transcript

The Court: You may proceed.

Cow: Moo.  Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  Thank you.  Um, Madam Cow, you claim Patrolman Robert Melia  mooed you is that correct?

Cow:  Moo.

Mr. Dickstein: I guess you don’t find it funny that he mooed you in a town called Moorestown do you?

Cow: Moo Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  I mean, it is New Jersey.

Cow: Moooooooooo.

Mr. Dickstein: Would you like a Kleenex?  It’s not your fault you’re from Jersey and wear cheap lipstick from 1982.

Cow: Moo Moo.

Mr. Dickstein:  I have one last question Your Honor.

The Court: Give the poor girl some grass and proceed counselor.

Mr. Bovine: Objection!  Leading the winess.

Mr. Dickstein:  I was just taking her to our inner courtroom pasture.

The Court: Overruled.  I’ll give you wide latitude.

Mr. Bovine: (mumbling) I’ll bet Cow has some wide latitude.

The Court: What was that Mr. Bovine?

Mr. Bovine: Nothing.

The Court: Continue.

Mr. Dickstein: Thank you.  Cow, did Patroman Melia moo you four times on four separate occasions?  Moo or Moo Moo.  Answer the question!

Cow: Moo!  Moo!  Moo!   Mooooo Moooo Moooo Mooooo Moooooo.

Mr. Dickstein:  Let the record relect that was a single “Moo.”  Someone get her a Kleenex.

Did you consent?  Did you say “Moo?” Or, ‘Moo Moo?”

Cow:  Moo Moo!

Mr. Dickstein: Thank you.  Nothing further.

Cow. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

WHEREUPON, udder converstations were held off the record.

Cop Con Leche: Worst Officer Of All Time?

August 5, 2009

Really Bad Cop

Got Milk?

A cop charged with sexually assaulting multiple illegal immigrants apparently likes vitamin D.

After you’ve finished gagging…  That didn’t come out right.  Click on the link for the entire affidavit and you’ll know why.

UPDATE: Another Cop Busted Boning Cows (via Prof. Turley’s Blog)

Video after the jump with the details…

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Nothing Says “America” Like A Yodeling Dominatrix

August 4, 2009

Like The Star Spangled Banner, My Country ‘Tis Of Thee, and that midget climbing up a ruler on the Price Is Right, nothing represents our country’s pure essence like a foreign Amazon whore who will kick your ass while yodeling and sexing you up.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT!

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President Obama, Please Take The Witness Stand!

July 28, 2009

“Beer here!  Get your ice-cold beer!  How about you sir?  Or you?  Beer?  Please?  Maybe a nice sparkling wine?”

Unless you have been breathing fresh air and enjoying the forgotten frivolities of life over the past week, in one way or another, you’ve made some sort of stand and are caught in the middle of the pop-off at the Cambridge Corral.  President Obama is set to meet with Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley on Thursday for beers at the White House.  All three are poised to shoot the breeze about race relations and learn from this very “teachable moment.”  Ironically, the one person who might be taught a lesson in the law of unwittingly becoming a witness is President Obama.

In this not so tepid climate concerning race relations, police misconduct, and alleged unpleasantness hurled at an officer’s “mama,” there is one kernel of veracity everyone can agree on — President Obama is already in the unique position of personally speaking with both parties.  Without question, Mr. Obama is a witness to statements made by both Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates.

This raises a somewhat novel question left unaddressed by every major and minor media outlet in the world (yes, this is a Cube exclusive) — will Obama have to produce sworn testimony as a witness at some point should the legal napalm drop?  Yes.

The president is privy to conversations which would absolutely be relevant to any sort of lawsuit launched by either party.  Crowley stated he is contemplating suing Gates for “defamation.” Certainly, Gates has a plethora of options if he decides to sue Crowley and the Cambridge Police Department.

The constitutional implications of a sitting president being compelled to testify as a non-party witness (in deposition, interrogatories, or actual live testimony should a trial ensue) are, at a minimum, murky. Issues with regard to immunity would probably arise at the behest of any White House Counsel worth a darn, however, this is not a case where the President is being sued or charged with a crime — he is a witness.  This much, one can easily conclude.  Furthermore, whether his testimony is taken during or after his term is not an issue.  At some point, should a lawsuit hit the court files, President Obama will be a witness.  Statements by the parties are unquestionably discoverable under the rules of civil procedure (both federal and state).

As luck would have it, we can look to the case of William Jefferson Clinton v. Paula Courbin Jones for some guidance.  In fact, we can go all the way back to the treason case of Aaron Burr when he popped a cap in Alexander Hamilton and killed him in a pistol duel to the death.  While not on all fours and barking, Clinton v. Jones speaks to this and other matters concerning the sworn testimony of a sitting president.  Justice Stevens cites a few examples of such in our rich history:

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Why Officer Crowley Should Be Fired

July 26, 2009

lady justicYou are not you today.  Today you are someone else.  Tabula Rasa.

Today, you are going to jail.

Sometime after noon,  you will be handcuffed, arrested, taken from your family, your home, booked, photographed, fingerprinted, and imprisoned before you can bond out after four hours of police custody.

To take this journey, you will need to bring a few things other than a toothbrush.  You must bring your imagination.  You will have to leave matters of race, politics, and other mind-benders behind that poison the contents of your cranium.

You must make decisions on what is just and fair from behind a veil of ignorance.

In taking up this point of view, we are to imagine ourselves in the position of free and equal persons who jointly agree upon and commit themselves to principles of social and political justice. The main distinguishing feature of the original position is “the veil of ignorance”: to insure impartiality of judgment, the parties are deprived of all knowledge of their personal characteristics and social and historical circumstances.

In this hypothetical journey, forget about politics.  Blind yourself behind the veil — a construct by which society can reach reasonable, just, and fair conclusions.  Race is irrelevant.  Party identity is not and can not be an issue.  All we know is you are a person who will be arrested shortly.

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