Posts Tagged ‘Stephen Baldwin’

Liveblogging Irrelevancy

June 16, 2009

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9:00  RECAP  Janice had an emergency:  She couldn’t take a dump for seven days.  New Sheriff in town — John Salley.  Name of town: Rockridge.

Welcome To The LiveBlog of “Celebrity” Day 16.

The two hosts are in the jungle with a plasma.

9:03:  John’s first day as captain.  Sanjaya is a dirty pig.  Tell us something we don’t know about that fuckstick.

9:04:  John’s “cracking the whip” according to Holly.  You know, she’s right.  Black men are often pegged with “cracking whips.”  John’s a total cracker.

9:05:  So far, Janice has not pooed.

9:08:  Patti Blagojevich just wiped her behind with a batch of dead crickets.  Whoops.  That was my imagination.

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Janice Dickinson’s A Celebrity… Get Her Bowel Movement Out Of There!

June 16, 2009

angieHere at Cube, our ethics policy requires honest reporting, unique perspectives, and unfiltered, unbiased prose destined to cut through the gobbledygook of Main Stream Media.  Janice Dickinson, model and celebrity in NBC’s, “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here,” had to get out of there.  I mean, real bad.  The poor lady couldn’t take a dump for seven days straight.

Without pause, the Emmy nominators better loosen that stuffy persona and nominate  Ms. Dickinson for best acting while having to take a really huge shit.  Half of the show last night focused on Janice’s “distended” belly and a blockage of poo in her colon.  A timely close-up of fellow celeb Sanjaya Malakar portrayed his compassion as he tried to massage the cement-like mix of rice and beans through her digestive system.  Mrs. Blago, often portrayed as some sort of villain in the media, had nothing but empathy for this brown mound lost somewhere hopefully near the anal cavity of my new-found favorite celebrity (who likes to talk about G.I. issues without remorse).

In a shocking turn of events, despite trying to gut it out, ambulances had to take Ms. Dickinson away after she vomited all over the rainforest in Costa Rica.  While she claimed she wasn’t “practicing” her modeling skills, I had the feeling Janice was doing the profession proud.

It was announced she had a viral infection as she was whisked away by an ambulance coupled with  a riveting grainy scene of a slow-motion I.V. drip.  But, they never told us whether she evacuated.

The show?  She came back.  And tomorrow night, we are left to decide my hero’s fate.  Her stool?  Compacted chance outstanding.

I had been lackadaisical in my coverage of Janice’s bodily functions up to this point.  I have poop-scooped my non-arch nemesis, Jezebel.  In an article entitled, “Janice Dicinson Pisses Where She Sleeps” they (like me) hit us with the cold hard facts:

Janice woke up in the middle of the night, squat beside her bed, and peed in the middle of the group’s camp. Later, she threatened to take a shit on Daniel Baldwin’s pillow.

Video after the jump…

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