Lawyer (n) : “One Skilled In Circumventing The Law.” — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary.
10:05 – Welcome to the liveblog of Juanita Sotomayor. Ese.
10:10 – Racist White Democrat from Vermont (Senator Leahy) asking a very short question. One not loaded with accolades for the judge.
10:11 – Senator Jeff Sessions, a Republican from Alabama, will certainly provide a view for the elitists in New York. Fuck him.
10:14 – Sessions continues by elucidating a most elusive concept with regard to jurisprudence here in real America — judges should be fair and not bigoted, racist, members of La Raza.
10:15 – Oh yeah! The “Empathy” domino. Dominoes are mulattoes by the way.
Sessions is correct. Empathy is evil — unless it is to empathize with say… white firefighters.
10:20 – Sessions: “This Latina is a Latin King who is a prejudiced gangbanger. She carries a switchblade and sometimes breaks into ‘America’ and the role of ‘Maria’ from ‘West Side Story.’ I will keep an open mind despite these vomit inducing facts.”
10:24 – Now up, Sen. Herb Kohl (D-Wisconsin). Because I have switched over to C-SPAN for coverage, I have lost all bladder control from their constant tradition of hilarity. Oh yeah, Kohl’s practically has his head stuffed up Sotomayor’s ass. Maybe he’ll keep an open mind.
10:26 – Kohl, like his predecessor questioners, does not ask questions. “Justice may be blind, but should not be deaf.” Basically, he would be against the nomination of Hellen Keller. Scum.
10:30 – Batting fourth, from Utah, A Republican, Senator Orrin Hatch. “[Sotomayor] has a compelling life story. Which I don’t particularly want to talk about because in reality she wants to kill Whitey.”
10:32 – Hatch plays the “Janice Brown” domino. A black federal justice he voted for. He is doing this to prove he is not a racist because we all know Judge Brown thinks like your typical African American — Clarence Thomas.
10:35 – Hatch floats the filibuster option and cites to Obama as authority. Considering all Republicans disagree with Obama, this makes perfect sense to me and by no means is hypocritical. So that we are clear: Senator Hatch wants to follow precedent of then Senator Obama. Why does he engage in reverse discrimination?
10:38 – To sum up the Republican’s view – Sotomayor is great, but she is the functional equivalent of a hooded Hispanic Klanswoman that has plagued our great White country for years. Hatch is proud of her despite this.
10:41 – Sen. Feinstein (Commie) – “You are the best. I love you. Let’s do The Macarena.”
10:42 – Judge Sotomayor’s responses to these penetrating interrogatories: “_____________________________.”
10:45 – Some guy just went ape shit in the crowd. Can I write “ape” anymore without being called a racist? Senator Leahy put an end to it with a Side Russian Leg Sweep and a swift blow to the “protester’s” clavicle causing a compound fracture. Fun Fact: Senator Leahy is a black belt in Brazilian Jujitsu.
10:49 – Senator Feinstein continuing on with these excellent “questions” for the nominee. By question, I mean fair and balanced open ended questions. Also, Sen. Feinstein thinks Sotomayor is “warm.” In a stunning turn, Feinstein delivers Matzoh Ball Soup to the nominee.
10:50 – Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa): “I respect you Judge Sotomayor, but really, we all know you are a racist, biased, prejudiced, hater of all things with penises. Specifically, white penises. White Power.”
“Empathy” is troubling to Grasley. This is because he understands, from his days as a little black boy not allowed in a “white-only” swimming pool, that discrimination is right. He goes on to pontificate about Lady Justice pictured above. He wants a Sanfordian Lady Justice.
11:00 – To the detractors of the Judicial Comittee, you must agree, the process is not at all predictable or cliche. Russ Feingold (Muslim Dem. from Wisconsin) talks about Gideon v. Wainright (right to court-appointed counsel) in terms of GITMO. As a Hispanic Latina Chiquita Banana, Sotomayor of course thinks terrorists are entitled to counsel. Why? As revealed by Sen. Feingold, Sotomayor is also a terrorist from Cuba by way of Puerto Rico. Something like that.
“Balls and strikes.” The allusion to CJ Robert’s quote as to how a judge ought act. You know, this baseball metaphor is most accurate. Like, when you go to a Red Sox game, and watch the umpire’s calls, they are wholly consistent with the strike zone of all umpires. That’s a perfect encapsulation of a perfect analogy to Strict Construction. I mean, all baseball umps have the same exact strike zone. Never do players question balls or strikes. Likewise, no one ever questions justice. Or Chief Justice Robert’s infallible strike zone. All umps are created equal. It seems this alleged ump, Judge Sotomayor, thinks she is more equal than others.
11:04: The next Republican is bringing up a new line of analysis. Senator Kyl correctly points out Judege Sotomayor once said something about being a “wise Latina woman.” Proving, once and for all, Sotomayor is a racist, but not a whore. Kyl is not sexist and is sticking to novel and impartial issues that have yet to be trumpeted. It is rather astonishing to see Republicans and Democrats going off script.
11:10 – Senator Kyle brings up “empathy” for the first time in the hearing. He also brings up canons of statutory construction. The Republican Party is correctly proceeding on this (no pun intended) Latin canon: “Expressio Unius Est Exclusio Alterius.“ In English, “The expression of one implies the exclusion of another.”
11:15 – AHA! Kyle’s got her! I mean, he really got her. 80% of her cases have been overturned. Math rules. Math is especially important coming from one who raised in the ‘hood. It took Senator Kyle years to learn how to spell S.A.T. so, his verbal scores are not dispostive of his logic here. His math section went through the fucking roof.
11:20 – Stop. Schumer Time.
11:21 – Something about “beads” and “uniforms” and “baseball players.” That fetish orgy Sotomayor attended dressed as the necrophiliac who loved Lou Gehrig is a new piece of evidence.
Again, Schumer raises “balls and strikes.” Remember the role of Congress in baseball…
Sotomayor is a total ‘Roid Head.
11:24 – Senator Lindsey Graham provides fresh material like Milli Vanilli. “Unless [Sotomayor] has a complete meltdown, [she] will be confirmed.” He should watch The Wizard Of Oz and dump a bucket of water on her.
Graham just threw a late-term abortion at the Judge. Crowd goes crazy. Al Franken juggles the lifeless fetus.
11:26 – It is troubling to Sen. Graham that “experience makes [someone] better.” This is untrue. See e.g., my sex life.
Time Out! I need to be serious for a moment. In baseball, you don’t have allotted “time-outs” like in football. Thank you.
Also, Republicans consistently trumpet then Senator Obama’s alleged ideology in terms of confirming judges. Senator Graham won’t follow Obama it seems and will vote for Sotomayor. Maybe. Graham is a traitor! He wants to put the robe on her. This may be considered froddering by Democrats.
11:35 – Sen. Benjamin Cardin up. He wants to have a big Bat-Mitzvah for Sotomayorenstein in The Rotunda immediately and play “Scotch and Soda.” Also, something about the obscure case of Brown v. Board.
Brown is an important case actually. It is noteworthy because Thurgood Marshall argued in The Court on behalf of the NAACP in that very case. Sotomayor has been linked to similar groups and just like Justice Marshall, she should be disqualified.
11:40 – Reader’s Digest version of Confirmation Hearing:
Democrats: She’s Great!
Republicans: She Sucks!
So far, there has not been one ounce of testimony from Judge Sotomayor aside from the introduction of her Lilly-White family numbering in the thousands.
Ed. Note: If you would like to empathize with me, try masturbating with a cheese grater.
11:55 – It seems Obama is speaking live on MSNBC. Surely, this is not a tactic to distract The Senate because: They’re baaaaaaaaaaaack! Time for a spoonful of intellectual honesty on both sides of the aisle. I hope this racist clown who has already made a million inflammatory remarks gets a resounding no.
11:57 – One small step for justice, one giant bong hit and peyote tab for me. Allegedly.
12:00 – Leahy turns the floor over to Senator John Cornyn, but not before mentioning Sotomayor’s broken ankle she sustained after that punishing blow from Lawrence Taylor.
12:01 – Sen. Cornyn (Color Blind Republican From The Color Blind Republic Of Texas) speaks of the Constituition, the Framers, and their intent the document is “fixed and certain.” However, he mixes metaphors between baseball and PGA golf and dumping “ether” on a carpet to get high like Hunter S. Thompson. It has often been said the Senate is like a non “mobile narcotics lab.”
12:06: Holy turds! Is Cornyn going to ask the first question? I don’t know, but first, a football analogy. To go with the baseball analogy. Which goes hand in hand with his analogy on the PGA.
12:09: Cornyn, “Thank you for being candid about your views Judge Sotomayor. Candidly, you a are an empathetic, racist, who I may vote for and sell out the entire party.” Good point. No question.
Ok. I am going to take the keyboard and break it over my liver. Some might call this a “dog and pony show.” However, I like to call it a peep show with midgets and whores.
12:08 – Senator Sheldon Whitehouse – HE COMPLETELY REJECTS THE “UMPIRE ANALOGY.” He cites to Toobin and rips CJ Roberts for being anything but an umpire. Basically, Toobin stated the incredibly disproportionate number of times Roberts has sided with the government in criminal cases. For that matter, he is on the same side on all cases. “Some balls and strikes.” You see, the problem with Whitehouse is that he’s telling the truth.
Without question, this is the most harsh critique of Republican critical thinking as of yet. Whitehouse calls the “balls and strikes” parallel an intellectual absurdity, lambastes Republicans for being dishonest, and hones in on the logical issues. Obvioulsy, Whitehouse is making a play for the future and has been groomed since childhood for the presidency. He reminds me of Gargamel from The Smurfs, but not as sexy.
Whitehouse claims there is nothing wrong with empathy. I forgot to mention, he likes meth.
12:20 – Senator Couburn: “There are cracks in the country.” Like the crack about Palin and her similarities with James Joyce and Einstein.
Couburn is worried about “fairness.” Not to worry. His remarks concerning “ethnicity and gender” show just how fair this Republican MLK incarnate really is. Couburn is from Oklahoma. He’s gonna give us spinach and tomaters.
I wish I could honestly tell you one serous legal issue has been raised. Indeed, several million questions have been pointed at Judge Sotomayor — all of which she answered rudley with the tact of a …
12:32 FINALLY A JERKOFF IN THE CROWD! (By “jerkoff” I mean the crowd mutually masturbated one another live on CSPAN3)
12:35 – Yes. The Strip Search case. Clarence Thomas time. He was the lone dissenter in that case who argued strip searches of children are constitutional. Thank God Clarence Thomas does not empathize with naked children being probed by an old nurse with a latex glove
LUNCH! FRANKEN COMING UP. Sorry if the whole “latex glove” dissent upset your lunch break.
The Republicans are clearly going after Judge Sotomayor. The talking points are clear. 1)Congratulate Sotomayor; 2)Mention the “Latina Woman” line; 3)Empathy is for pussies; 4)I’m not calling you a racist, but, I’ll mention the word racist because I think you are a racist or at a minimum I will paint you as a racist; and 5)Thank you for coming.
The aforementioned 5 plank platform is brilliant. Now, all Republicans can get into the Hispanic vote. Like Gov. Sanford.*
Maybe I’ll come back for Franken depending on this Diprivan drip I’ve started.
PART TWO: FUNKY WISE LATINA
2:00 - I am stunned. The Upper Chamber is late. Like the abortion I just dined on.
2:01 – Sorry. The Senate is on time.
2:02 – Sen. Amy Klobuhark (D-MN). “It was nice to meet [Sotoyomayor's] Mom. Bitch puts on a red dress and all the kids yell Hey Kool-Aid. I mean, your Mom is ugly. She’s so ugly she makes Ruth Bader Ginsburg look like Farrah Fawcet.”
The Gentlewoman from Minnesota is a Deadhead. Not as big a deadhead as some other senator from her state though.
Of import, her oratory skills are worse than a muzzled bondage queen with Tourette’s Syndrome or that Public Defender from My Cousin Vinny. She’s a stut..tt…ttt…. a fine senator.
2:10 – Without question, Sen. Amy Klobuhark (D-MN) gives the worst speech of the day. It’s like listening to an oral interpretation of a third-grade book report.
2:11 – Senator Ted Kaufman (D-DE) says this: “Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You’re good. Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
2:13 – Although Sotomayor has no testicles, Senator Kaufman seems to think she does by sucking them live. I’m not writing some lazy metaphor (well, I am). This guy is fucking nuts. He just got down on his knees and literally tried to give oral to Judge Sotomayor. The guard’s had to escort him out. What a mess!
2:15 – “I am hardened.” Quote of the day.
2:24 - Arlen Specter (Bastard): He questions the number of cases SCOTUS grants Cert on (sixty something). I don’t particularly care for Specter’s breath. He could use a Cert. Again, by “question,” I mean drone on endlessly as Sotomayor postures as if she has to break wind but can squeeze real tight and hold it in.
2:30 – Diprivan. Kicking. In. Also, Specter had a good one liner about dead bodies.
2:32 – FRANKEN TIME! He is “truly humbled.” Not as humbled as he was during that scene in Trading Places when Clarence Beaks was raped by that gorilla.
MAD TV IS PISSED. THEY HAVE PLANTS IN THE GALLERY!
9:34 – Trying to evaluate Franken. It’s his fifth day. Did you know, he took the oath of office last Tuesday? Do you know, he takes the oath seriously? Senator Franken does not make one joke — aside from the entire listless speech he makes. Where’s the funny? Where’s the humor? I never really saw it in him anyway, but, try dammit! Do something! You suck! Franken! You have the personality of a flaccid weiner.
9:40 – Leahy makes Freudian slip concerning Sotomayor taking the “Oath of Office.” Surely, this will be fodder for hilarity. I can’t take this anymore. Goodbye Cruel World.